(new writer, new book) Oblivion - Survival.

[Sonaku]

Hi there. I'm kinda new to the writers scene and have just started writing a new novel (I'm not counting my fanfics) it's the first in a series of planned novels. i would love some critique and feedback

Oblivian - Survival: chapter 1

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No one Knows who started the war, or why, not even who shot first. But everyone know who finished it, oblivion.
There are a lot of theories going around as to what initially happened. The most renowned theory is, a terrorist group calling themselves “Vanguard”, intervened in a war involving the United States and the middle east. That war’s details are shrouded in even more mystery than Vanguard war.
Though the vanguard said to have had good intentions, created more of a problem than any previous group. The war was not fought with nuclear bombs as everyone theorized. PRF’s where the main driving force of the war. Piloted Robotic Frames, or in other words, giant mechanized robots piloted from the inside.
The Vanguard were the first to make use of these machines, and the were by far the most advanced of any of the involved nations. Where as the great nations of the world made use of compact nuclear technologies and solar powered weaponry, the Vanguard used an advanced engine that made use of the surrounding heat. How this worked nobody knows.
This is my favored theory of most. Oh I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Rei, Rei Sonaku. Rei is the Japanese form for Zero, so you can also call me Zero. Anyways as I was saying.
The great nations after clearing out The Vanguard started cooperating with each other. But this alliance would not stand for long, after a few years they started to go to war again, but this time with each other. Think of it, PRF’s equipt with compact nuclear generators clashing with each other. Every battle field would become ground zero.
Eventually the sun was started to get blocked out from all the dust being blown into the atmosphere, but nobody relented. Every few days a new battle would occur and would cause another calamity. But it doesn’t matter whose theory was correct, because eventually Oblivion came.
Apparently earth is much older then most people would think. Figures that science would be wrong again.
An ancient war was held between two sentient beings that used autonomous machines as their pawns. Long after they died, two of their weapon factories remained. Eventually these factories got covered in the sands of time, and life went on.
By the time humanity became the dominant species of the planet, the Oblivion factories were about a kilometer under earth and ice, they were situated at both polar ice caps, one in Siberia and one in Antarctica. With the Vanguard war, the systems re-awoke for the Antarctica factory. And in short. Oblivion.
All the nations, though weakened tried their best to fight against the hoards of highly advanced machines. But ultimately failed, during the fighting they used up the rest of their resources to build underground cities for the remnants of humanity, some took to space, but many doubt that those few people are still alive.
So there you have it, humankind now lives in the dirt while the surface is ruled by mindless robots., ironic ain’t it, and humans didn’t even build these robots. Though all that is now in the past, people more or less live in peace in this underground hell-hole. My name is Rei Sonaku, I’m a mercenary for hire. People call me Zero, and this is my story.



Present Day, Year 107 AO
(2507 AD)

I live a normal life more or less, if you don’t count the countless vigilante acts I’ve performed...or the job as a Merc....or the artificial limbs....ok never-mind I’m not normal. But I’m normal compared to most people who live on my level.
Our underground cities consist of three levels. The top level is the cleanest, most peaceful. The second level is were most of the industrial sections are. The bottom level(where I live) consists of all the slime, junk ,and scum slithers into. The third level is lawless, and is where all the mutants live.
I started living out down here because, well the rent is very little with all the crime and that. Some landlords have a tendency to even give housing for free. I managed a small apartment, decent and clean. For under 100 credits. Which puts most of my income towards my PRF. That’s right I’m a pilot of a PRF which is why I’m a Merc. Most corporations enlist the help of PRF pilots. Anyways more on this stuff later
The phone was ringing and it was at the other end of the room. My apartment was small. My double bed was in the living room, the door to the wash-room at the foot of the bed. A large window showing me the dismal landscape outside. A kitchenette located right beside my bed. And a small hallway with a closet at the door. It was small, but warm, and it was home(plus clean water!). “I really need an end table.”with that I got out of bed and staggered over to the phone. I was In serious pain from a job last-night so I growled into the receiver “Hello”
“Well that’s a nice way to answer the phone” a female voice, damn it! It’s Aura. She was my mechanic and good friend, who would turn demon if I didn’t pay her fees on time “Oh hi Aura..sorry, rough night last night.” I rubbed my aching neck out of nervous habit “So how much did we make”
“Well....how does 300 creds sound...” I grimaced, though the job was a that of escort , which is usually very low paying enough, I let the second transport get demolished which halved my pay.
“That’s it?... well at least I’ll be able to install the new piston with that.” What? She wasn’t mad? That’s new.
“Ok so will I be able to pick it up today? I need it for a new job.” there was a pause of static for a sec, damned phones tended to fizz every now and again down here on third. “Hello?” another pause then an answer
“Yeah you should be able to come pick it up sometime tonight” Ok this was even more weird. Usually she would say no. “ok I’ll drop by tonight” she said ok then her good-bye’s. then it dawned on me. “*beep*!!” I looked at my holo monitor that was on my wall. It was the 13th of July it was Aura’s birthday, and like a complete dolt I forgot.
“*beep*, *beep*, dammit. No wonder she seemed out of it. I’m so stupid.” as I continued to beat myself upside the head I started towards the vapor shower. My bathroom is about as big as some people’s closets. It had the standing vapor shower, and a simple toilet. I looked at myself in the mirror, and didn’t like what I saw “that’s going to get infected...” their was a long slash starting at my left shoulder ending at the metal bracer at my hip.
I had these since I could remember. In place my arm was a completely metal arm, painted to the colour of my skin. It wasn’t a fake prosthesis, it was fully functional and acted like an actual arm. A metal bracer started at the right base of my neck and stopped at around where my kidney was. Another metal base started around my hip and ended beside my crotch. Scars covered most of my right side and about a dozen surgical scars covered most of my abdomen. Lets just say I don’t look very pretty. My face however wasn’t too bad, a few scars here and there, and a slight discolor around my left eye. Though most people considered it a bad idea, I had long hair tied into a braid, about a foot and a half.
Anyways more on the slash. Apparently some arse-hole thought it a good idea to use my back as practice for his machete. There was some dried blood around the wound which I guess now stained my bed sheets. “Damn...” I sighed and got out of my shorts and went into the vapor shower. Vapor showers really don’t use vapor, everybody just call them that. What they do is spray a fine solution of soap and water from small holes all around the shower. All you have to do is scrub.
I got out, grabbing a towel from a small rack over the toilet, and dried myself. I started dressing myself methodically pulling out dressers from under my bed when a new message beep sounded from my monitor. “You have new mail. You have new mail.”
“Play message” the monitor beeped again “proceeding. ‘Hey Zero! How’s it going. Listen, I have a job for you. Contact me if you’re interested.’ end of message. Would you like to reply?” I pondered that for a second. I did need money, but I also needed to make Aura happy. I decided “Reply. Thanks for the offer, but maybe some other time, I have plans tonight. Save message.” the monitor beeped another reply “confirmed. Sending reply. Saving message. Done. Any other actions?”
“No thanks” I glanced at my bed sheets and frowned. I shook my head and walked down the hall to the closet “need to go to the dry cleaners again.” I pulled on my trench coat(which had a hug gash matching my cut), put on my boots, tied a red scarf around my neck, and closed the door of my closet.
There’s a mirror on the closet door and gave myself a once-over. I didn’t look half bad. I had on a black shirt, blue jeans, with a leather belt. I know I’m not very fashioned conscience, but I looked ok.
I was about to leave, but snapped my fingers. “Almost forgot.” I walked into the kitchenette and grabbed three things off the small table. One was a pentacle necklace, which I put around my neck, tucking it under my shirt. The second was a bead bracelet, that I tied around my left hand. And finally a deck of playing cards. I kissed the deck and put it into my coat pocket and set out the door.

[The Master]

Welcome to SV Sonaku!

If possible it is best to separate your paragraphs with a space to make it easier to read.

Its a little derivative but I can see some good potential for the story idea. It probably would make a good Anime screenplay. Unfortunately, your concept is being overshadowed by a distractingly high number of grammatical errors and structural problems. This interrupts the flow of the text to a degree that the work is difficult to read. To be brutally honest I would highly suggest that you focus intently on improving your general writing skills.

I also feel that the prologue is confusing and overly dense. You have terrorists, multiple human wars, a suggestion of possible nuclear holocaust, alien war machines, and robots taking over the surface of the planet. Into this mix you have your narrator stops to introduce himself. Its...well...exausting is the right word I suppose. I think it would benefit the story to simplify the prologue to its most relevant points involving the alien machines that come to dominate the planet. If the human war components come into significant play later in the plot you might instead expand the prologue into a more complete chapter so that you can tell a more thorough history.

[thegreentick]

Hello to you, too! Before I begin, I believe in fair warning. I hate sugarcoating and I believe that in order to help someone become better, complete honesty is needed. I don't say anything to be mean or to discourage you. The fact that I'm critiquing your work is my way of saying that there's potential. If I didn't think there was, I'd suggest that you look elsewhere for your calling in life.

Starting in the writers scene with a novel is like starting out a basketball career in the NBA. That doesn't mean you shouldn't build your way up towards a series of novels (heck, that's what I'm doing) but I would suggest practicing with short stories, blogs, critiques, etc. If this story of yours has taken over your brain and you can't think about writing anything else, I would suggest short stories or exerpts from various places of the story. It will give you a chance to experiment with different characters, settings and types of conflict in much smaller bites.

Now, for the chapter itself.

I won't go through it sentence by sentence picking out grammatical errors. I'll just let you know that there are quite a few. Like The Master said, you should spend a good bit of time working on the technical aspect of your writing (however unfun it is) because no matter how good a story is, it becomes tedious if it's poorly told.

My next point is probably the one that writers workshops spend more time gnawing on than any other: showing vs. telling. A number of times in this chapter you break the flow of the action to explain something. An example would be as follows:

"I sighed and got out of my shorts and went into the vapor shower. Vapor showers really don’t use vapor, everybody just call them that. What they do is spray a fine solution of soap and water from small holes all around the shower. All you have to do is scrub."

We're following the hero of the story to the shower and you suddenly launch into an explanation of how the shower works. First of all, I don't think it's really very important that us readers know how the shower works. It's a shower. Secondly, if you really do deem it important for us to know, ie. if it's important to the plot at a later point, throw it into the story. He could be having a shower and he notices that there's too much soap in the solution that's spraying from the shower head. He could make a mental note to have someone look at it. This way, we end up knowing how the shower works but we don't get thrown from the story with an explanation. There are numerous other places in the chapter where you do this. This is just one that stood out.

Next point. You seem to be having trouble with your narrative. Sometimes it seems that the character is explaining something to me. Other times, it seems that you, the author, are explaining something to me. There can only be one narrator to a story, so you should probably work on this.

That's all that's coming to mind right now. To sum things up: practice practice practice practice. When you've done this, do it again, and then again. Once you've done all this, practice some more. See where I'm going with this? Work on grammar, make sure it's the same person telling the story at all times and if the readers need information, ESPECIALLY information about the characters, make sure that it's shown to us, not told. If you tell us that a character is of a grouchy disposition but all of their actions disagree, you lose the trust of the reader.

Keep on writing.