Page 10 of 13

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:38 pm
by Magus
Great to hear!

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 9:42 am
by Bread Butterbeard
Alright here is another draft of the novel, let me know if its improved.

Lycoria: The Jewel Shards of Orceth
Written by Timothy C. Cassidy Jr.

Chapter 1

Shabel-Grah had been walking down the forest trail for hours it had seemed. The sky was clear and the sun shone bright through the canopy of trees. 'A perfect day to travel, and what a hot day it is going to be', thought Shabel-Grah as he hummed a sweet melody that his mother use to sing to him when he was a boy. He stood six foot three inches tall and had a slim sturdy build. His eyes were as blue as the afternoon sky and he had grown a short brown beard.

He wore a full-length silk crimson robe unadorned by any symbol that had a simple gold trim around its edges, with a hood that covered his face when worn. Underneath his robes, he kept his numerous potions and his dagger sheathed on his left side. The dagger had a long, curved, crimson blade with a black handle inlaid with silver. He kept a brown-leather drawstring bag tied to his belt, which contained several items of a personal nature. Shabel stopped humming, remembering all too suddenly why he hadn't hummed it before.

It had been the night, THAT NIGHT, when his brother killed his parents and then killed his beloved Anna, defiling her in terrible ways, unspeakable ways. That was when he had hummed it last, and he could remember the flames of the burning house, the screams of his beloved Anna as she was burned alive in it.

Shabel-Grah grimaced at the pain of the memory and swore to avenge the death of his loved ones, before shaking the thoughts away.

Shabel stopped, and looked around the forest he had entered several days ago. It had been thick and beautiful, but now as he came closer to his destination the forest had begun to wither, the leaves turning from a vivid green to a faded and wrinkled brown. The roots of the trees twisted and stretched out as if seeking the sun and the bark of the trees crumbled as dried parchment would. What grass that grew looked muddied and the air carried the scent of decay.

Shabel frowned, and raised his hand already thinking of a spell that would bring the forest back to its former glory, but lowered it remembering his master’s words. Restore life to that which has hope, that is not massive, or it could consume the casters strength and then his life.

Shabel had trouble remembering to stay his magic, he wanted to do good in the world, but some things were beyond his abilities. He felt alone in the world, his family massacred, his brother turned to his enemy, all he had left were his master and Thomas.

A clicking sound came from his side as Thomas woke up. Thomas was his familiar, a small rabbit with brilliant white fur. They had bonded while they were both children, had grown up together, and from that closeness Shabel had come to understand the clicking sounds his friend made.

“You still have me you know.” Thomas said quietly, almost as though he had read the necromancer's mind. Shabel sighed and smiled at his friend.

“Yes indeed, and were would I be without you?” Thomas would have smiled if he could have but instead settled for readjusting himself on Shabel's shoulder.

“It has been three days since we left Lycoria, and still we're still in these woods! When are we going to get to an inn? I am starving!”

Shabel laughed as they continued to walk, leaving the patch of deadened forest. Thomas, ever sweet and innocent, always managed to bring a smile to his face.

“Be patient my friend. We shall come across an inn soon enough, and then you can eat all that you can manage to stomach.” Thomas clicked some more before closing his eyes, seeming content with the matter. They walked in silence, Shabel's mind once again drifting off, thinking of the task at hand.

He had yet to tell Thomas where they were heading, and could imagine the rabbit's thoughts on the matter. He had the name of the one who could guide him, a dwarf named Scruffle Burntbeard, although what dwarven parent would name their child 'Scruffle' was beyond Shabel.

Shabel quickened his pace wishing to arrive at the kingdom before nightfall the suns light already beginning to fade. They had ran out of supplies the day before, and Shabel had no wish to be caught out in this part of the forest, during the night for any length of time, not knowing which manner of creatures might come for them.

Thomas began to stir once more. The birds no longer chirped as the forest ended, the road now crossing the rugged, open countryside.

“I don't suppose you have any bread left?” Thomas clicked again, breaking the necromancer’s thoughts. Chuckling, Shabel reached into his robes, pulled out a small piece of bread that he had been saving, and handed it to Thomas, who nibbled on it gratefully.

Shabel slowed has he noticed a bridge, it was going over a stream but it was not on his map. ‘Odd’ he thought has he came closer.

Springing up from the side of the bridge landed a woman. Her hair was red as a mid-summers fire, her skin was tanned, and her eyes were emerald color. She wore mahogany leather armor with a forest green shirt underneath it. Her pants were leather and had been died to match her shirt. Strapped to her back was a long bow, and her shoes were made out of leather that was fashioned more to resemble slippers than boots. She had no jewelry visible and had a short sword strapped to her side.

“Why hello good mage, It shall be fifty silvers to pass the bridge.”

Shabel eyed the woman carefully his hands already moving to his pouch preparing a spell.

“I do not see your name inscribed upon the bridge, nor do I see and insignia of law upon your cloths.”

The woman blinked then laughed slapping hers knees as though Shabel as said something amusing.

“First, good mage, I did not say my name was on the bridge. Why would I put my name on a bridge that isn’t mine? And second, why would I have a insignia on my clothes? Nasty bugers those are!”

Shabel stood back, baffled by her response. What was nasty about a insignia, and was she mocking him? It was hard to tell, her face remained sincere as she spoke and her smile was innocent enough. Thomas clicked a few times and then disappeared into his robes. Shabel meet the woman’s gaze with a slight smile.

“If it is not your bridge, then why should I pay you to cross it?”

The woman frowned, then drew her sword and lunged at the necromancer with blinding speed. Shabel threw his hand up as she slammed into him but fell back as though she had hit a wall. The green energy of Shabel’s magic lingered then subsided. The woman balled up on the ground and began to cry.

“Why did you hit me? I only wanted fifty silvers for you to pass the bridge not cross it, the water’s fine you know.” Sniffing she stood sheathing her sword.

Shabel looked at her in shock, trying to understand what had happened. One moment she demanded money, the next she attacks, and then she goes back to demanding money! Moreover, he was not about to go swimming. It was clear to Shabel that the woman had to be mad. Offering his hand Shabel watched her movements not wanting to find himself at the tip of her sword and ignored her question.

She looked at the necromancer briefly, then smiled once more and took his hand, rising to her feet.

“Forgive me! I haven’t even introduced myself, you can pay the fifty later, we can go across the bridge as you suggested. My names Chessor by the way.”

“I am Shabel-Grah.” He answered, looking at her before turning his attention to his missing friend. He heard a yelp, and turned to see Thomas floating through the air as if somebody was carrying him.

“Get if off me!” Roared whoever Thomas had latched himself to. Chessor began to chuckle at the sight, and then erupted in laughter. Shabel, however, was not as amused. He walked over to Thomas, clicked a few short words to him, and then struck down on whatever was holding his friend aloft."

“Yeow!, what was that for? I meant you no harm.” stuttered a boy who suddenly appeared, the effect of whatever magic he had used to hide himself having vanished.

“Then give me back the coins you've taken from my purse. Thomas told me you have them.”

Chessor continued to laugh and the boy, who had pointed ears like an elf, but a nose like a gnome, rose to his feet, thrusting out Shabel’s purse."

Take 'em! I had no need for them anyway, I was only trying to help.” Shabel took his coins back as he flashed Cheesor and accusing look. Thomas scurried across the boy's arm back onto Shabel’s shoulder. As he turned to leave, Cheesor raced to him and grabbed his sleeve, falling down on her knees and whining like a child.

“Oh please can we come with you? We will behave, I promise!!! PLWEASE!”

Chessor eyes were wide and filled with an innocence, which Shabel found to sincere, and the boy looked hopeful if worried. Shabel thought for a moment then, clicked to Thomas, listened to his friend for a moment, and then slowly nodded.

“You may follow me if you wish. I go to Lucam-Kwaith but be warned, I want no tricks and, our pace will be swift.” Chessor leapt up with a smile, hugged Shabel before he could respond, and darted off across the bridge, the boy following behind somewhat hesitantly.

“Come on Sugam! Let’s not disappoint father!” The boy nodded and followed Chessor, leaving Shabel to wonder who ‘Father’ was, and if he had made a mistake in letting the two travel with him.

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 10:06 am
by t_tibke
Not giving a heavy critique, I read it and like some of the extra bits of exposition you've added in, or corrected. It feels a little less rushed now.

I would say, that the moment Shabel-Gah arrives at the bridge, start describing the bridge, and how he's walking over it, then how he hears noise and a figure suddenly thumping onto the bridge. Cheetoh, Cheesy, Cheetor, Cheesor ... appears very suddenly, and I don't feel surprised or shocked, more just confused how someone simply appears from over the edge of the bridge.

Thomas is pulled out of Shabel's pocket pretty easily, which is okay for some sort of thief boy I suppose, but re-read some of that section you just put in there. There's a few typos and the invisible boy part.

And I say, keep going. Let this section rest a bit and proceed further. When you've done that, you can come back later and be able to look at it fresh.

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 10:31 am
by Magus
I have a shortened day today, so I'll take a look at it when I get home, which shouldn't be very long now.

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 12:33 pm
by Princess of Fire
That's a lot. the novel???


nice :D

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 12:56 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
Here is some new text, moving on from the first part, and thanks Princess of Fire!

They had been walking for a few hours Shabel’s pace swift. The sun’s light had all but faded and still they had not reached the kingdom. ‘Well at least we are clear of those woods’ he thought to himself. Chessor had disappeared ahead of him but he could hear her laughter and chuckling and knew she wasn’t far.

The boy however, intrigued Shabel’s mind. He seemed to flicker in and out of sight, whatever race he may be though he appeared to be a mix of elven and gnomish descent, he seemed to have a natural ability to make himself invisible.

Shabel smiled to himself as he heard Thomas’s stomach rumble but the rabbit said nothing. It was just as well Shabel mused, there was no food and nothing edible had presented itself thus far but as soon as he thought it, Chessor came skipping back a childish look on her face, her arms loaded with what looked like mushrooms.

“Shabel look at what I have found! We can eat and eat and I found a small pond ahead.” Shabel looked at Chessor unsure of he could trust her as she had tried to rob him earlier. The mushrooms themselves looked edible and already the boy was eating a few. Thomas poked his head out of Shabel’s sleeve, sniffed the offered food, and clicked angrily crawling back into his robes.

“You and Sugam help yourselves, I and Thomas will pass.”

Chessor frowned but sat down; oblivious to the fact she was still in the middle of the road. Sugam had disappeared once more leaving Shabel to look after the crazed woman. Moving to the side of the road Shabel sat down and leaned back against one of the few trees that were there. Shabel found himself watching Chessor as she ate; she had the look of a child who has excited to receive their first present on her face.

He knew nothing of her but that did not bother him as much as her attitude and behavior. She had the wonderment of a newborn and an innocence of a child though it was clear she was neither. Still the road had been long and at least he and Thomas had company, whether or not that company was entirely sane was another matter.

The night sky began to overtake the last few rays of sunlight like a panther creeping across an open field trying to catch its prey.

The air around him had grown colder and as he turned to look around, Shabel felt himself lurch forward as his head exploded into pain and the last thing he saw before he lost conscience was Sugam standing over him holding a club.

Shabel opened his eyes slowly, the pain from his head was excruciating. He had no idea how long he had been out, Chessor and Sugam were nowhere to be seen and his coin bag was gone as well as his dagger. However, most importantly to the necromancer was his missing rabbit. He clicked a few times hoping Thomas would click back in reply, but heard nothing.

He got to his feet slowly taking care not hit the tree or any of its branches. It was night and there was no sign of a campfire or which way Chessor and the boy had chosen to travel, though Shabel doubted they would have returned to the forest. ‘But she is half mad’ he reminded himself, torn between which way to go.

He could not leave Thomas regardless of how important it was to get to the kingdom, he owed the rabbit enough to were he would have to at least try to find him.

Shabel clicked some more as he began to walk down the road once more, certain his friend would have never gone back into to the forest without him, when a pebble soared through the air and hit him square on his head, sending a fresh wave of pain down his body.

Grasping his head with his right hand, he used his free arm to draw some powder from one of his pouches chanting quietly. Another pebble came at him but he had already finished his spell and pointed in the direction the pebble came from a bolt of fire arcing out from the powder in his out stretched hand.

“Yeow!, im still here ya know! You could have hurt me!” Shouted the boy who stumbled out of the darkness his face singed red.

“Where is Thomas, and what have you done with my dagger and coins?”

The boy didn’t move still rubbing his face when Shabel felt the tip of a sword on the back of his neck.

“Don’t move Imperator or you will die.”

The voice was controlled but filled with hate, but there was no mistaking it was Chessor.

“Please remove your sword from my neck, I am not a ‘Imperator’ whatever that is.” Shabel was clam and collected, something was not as it seemed, the boy had disappeared again, but he could still feel his presence close by

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 1:30 pm
by Magus
Very nice! It's clear that you're making large improvements already. A sense of your style's now starting to emerge as noticable in the writing, and I like what I see. It's clean, fast-paced and clear; both simple and direct. If you work on developing it further it can only work to your advantage, and add tangibility to your writing.

Now, one thing that I really like about the changes you've made is the description of the forest. Before it was simply there, but now you integrate its appearance and disappearance well with the rest of the story, giving a forward motion to your writing that simply wasn't there before. The descriptions you've included are excellent. The only thing that I can even think to ammend on it would be a simple suggestion, changing "...the trees crumbled as dried parchment would." to " the trees crumbled like dried parchment" and perhaps adding the word "dank" before that last decay. I think that the former cleans up your syntax a little bit, and the last one adds a little nugget to the description, because given what you've previously written I'd guess it would smell dank. Also, you say that it's hot, and your descriptions of decay would support this, but you've never really "described" the heat. Perhaps you could talk about it for a sentence or two, the unbearable humidity, the merciless sun, things like that. But, like I said, it's just a suggestion. You've really done a great job with the section, though.

In the next paragraph it should be, " caster's", and there should be a comma after "strength".

The next paragraph needs a little work. The syntax seems a bit off, and you repeat "in the world". Perhaps you might change it to something like:

"Shabel sometimes had trouble remembering to stay his magic. He wanted to do good things, but more often than not they were beyond his abilities. He felt alone in the world; his family was dead, his brother now his enemy. All that he had left were Thomas and his master, and even his master was not here to help him"

"Shabel quickened his pace wishing to arrive at the kingdom before nightfall the suns light already beginning to fade." This is a run-on. You should change it to, "Shabel quickened his pace, wishing to arrive at the kingdom before nightfall. The sun's rays had already begun to fade into the night's shadowy realm."

In the next sentence there shouldn't be a comma after "forest", and "which" should really be "what".

I'd suggest that you change, "Shabel slowed has he noticed a bridge, it was going over a stream but it was not on his map. ‘Odd’ he thought has he came closer." to something like, "Shabel slowed as he noticed a bridge which spanned a stream, although neither were on his map. 'Odd’, he thought, as he came closer."

"mid-summers" should be "mid-summer's". I'd also suggest that you add "dark" before emerald and remove the "color" that follows it.

“Why hello good mage, It shall be fifty silvers to pass the bridge.” should be, "“Why hello, good mage. It shall be fifty silvers to pass the bridge.”

Similarly, "Shabel eyed the woman carefully his hands already moving to his pouch preparing a spell." should be, "Shabel eyed the woman carefully, his hands already moving to his pouch to prepare a spell."

I'd suggest changing " It was hard to tell, her face remained sincere as she spoke and her smile was innocent enough." to " It was hard to tell. Her face remained sincere as she spoke and her smile was innocent enough." This helps to seperate your thoughts, and adds some nice juxtaposition with a short sentence amid the longer ones.

This sentence is a little unclear, "Shabel threw his hand up as she slammed into him but fell back as though she had hit a wall." It makes it seem as if Shabel's the one falling back. I'd suggest changing it to something like, "Shabel threw his hand up, creating an invisible barrier of force between the woman and himself. She slammed into it and was launched aside as though she had run into a brick wall."

In the next paragraoh there should be a comma after "bridge".

I'd suggest reworking "Offering his hand Shabel watched her movements not wanting to find himself at the tip of her sword and ignored her question." to something like, "Shabel offered her his hand as he watched her movements. He was no fool, and didn't want to find himself at the tip of her sword again." The fact that he ignored her question's already implied by not answering it or addressing it in any way. The rest was just shifted around for clarity's sake.

"I haven’t even introduced myself, you can pay the fifty later, we can go across the bridge as you suggested. My names Chessor by the way.” should be, "I haven’t even introduced myself. You can pay the fifty later, we can go across the bridge as you suggested. My name's Chessor, by the way.”

When Sugam first speaks, "if" should be "it". Also, the "on" after "down" isn't necesary. Also, there's a set of quotation marks at the end of that sentence. After Shabel talks, as well, there're quotation marks, and yet none to start off when next Sugam speaks.

" I go to Lucam-Kwaith but be warned, I want no tricks and, our pace will be swift." should be " I go to Lucam-Kwaith. But be warned: I want no tricks, and our pace will be swift."

There should also be one more comma before "Sugam", when Cheesor's talking.

As I've said before, you've made a lot of improvements from the last draft, let alone from the first. This makes a pretty good opening chapter for your story, and I'm now eager to see what you have beyond this. I look forward to reading it, and keep up the excellent work.

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 1:55 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
Thanks Magus and T_t IBKE! ^_^ I did some research over the rules as suggested and then went back over a printed out copy and used a red pen to make changes, also reading it out loud as T_t Bike suggested adding commas were I thought some should be, I am really beginning to enjoy my own writing so hopefully things continue to go well. My next piece was posted before your comment, please note I was rushed when I wrote it so it may not be as good as it should be and im working on going over it now, however I would like to know what you think of it in its current form.

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 2:01 pm
by Magus
O.K., I didn't see that. I'll take a look at it, though.

Just out of curiosity, do you have some kind of rough-estimation as to how long you expect it to be? Word count, page count, chapter count? I'm just curious.

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 2:03 pm
by Princess of Fire
Well, it is a novle. :wink:

Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 2:05 pm
by Magus
Novle? Is that French or something?


Or just your take on the English language.


Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 3:07 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
im shooting for at least 250 pages, since i have to write the first few chapters myself and then I have 600 pages worth of yalls rpg I think I can make my goal LOL