Lycoria: The Novel

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Bread Butterbeard
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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

So far I have only added two characters of my own making, one is a gnome named Chessnut and the other is a dwarf named Scruffle Burntbeard

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Magus
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Post by Magus »

Did you darken Yissam, or is that just an affect that the background has? Either way, it looks better now than ever before. Great job!

:rofl:

I just realized that for half of Legacy it's been the wrong arm missing!

:rofl:

I'll have to remember to keep with the left being severed.

:roll:

Oh, and did I say wolves? I didn't realize, probably that post I made during the day. Yeah, I know that they're cats, I must have had some sort of brain-fart during that last post. Sorry.

:oops:

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t_tibke
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Post by t_tibke »

So Taith? Isn't it about time to be finished with your first 4 pages? When you going to put those up eh? :D
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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

They wil be up tommorw, had to few issues with some chraacters whom i dont have premissons for, but since im writing before the actual rp started that matter is resovled.

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Post by Magus »

I look forward to seeing what you've done so far, and will do my best to offer whatever critisisms I am able to.

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

Alright below is a tidbit of what I writing, I know its not quite 4 pages but I want to know from everyone if I am going in the right directions with this. Any comments are welcome and please be brutally honest, I want to write this how it should be written so tell me what you think ! ^_^




Lycoria

The Jewel Shards of Orceth

Written by Timothy C. Cassidy Jr.

Shabel-Grah had been walking down the forest trail for hours it had seemed. The sky was clear and the sun shone bright through the canopy of trees. A prefect day to travel no doubt and a hot day it would be thought Shabel-Grah as he hummed to himself, a sweet melody that his mother use to sing to him every night when he was young. Shabel-Grah stood six foot three inches tall and was of a sturdy yet slim build. His eyes were as blue as the afternoon sky and he had grown a short brown beard.

He wore a full length silk crimson robe unadorned by any symbol, with a hood that completely covered his face when worn. Underneath his robes he kept his numerous potions and his dagger sheathed on his left side. The dagger itself was black a long curved crimson blade with a black and silver handle. Lastly Shabel kept a brown leather drawstring bag tied near his dagger which contained several items of a personal nature to himself. Shabel continued to hum the song before stopping abruptly remembering all to suddenly why he hadn't hummed it before.

It was the night, THAT NIGHT when his brother killed his parents and then killed his beloved Anna defiling her in ways that only a demon could think of when Shabel had hummed it last that was fifteen years ago when he was still a boy but he could remember the flames of his burning house, the screams of his Anna as his brother finally killed her.

Shabel-Grah grimaced at the pain of the memory and swore to avenge the death of his loved ones as he had done then and so he would he thought to himself. Revenge was the reason for his quest but not only that it was also his final test from his master, the test that if he passed it would grant him the title of master, something he wanted more than anything now that all that he had was gone.

A clicking sound came from his side as Thomas his familiar woke up. Thomas was a rabbit with brilliant white fur and as they had bonded while they both and grown as children, Shabel and come to understand the clicking sounds his friend had made.

“You still have me you know.” Thomas said quietly almost as though he had read the necromancers mind. Shabel sighed and smiled at his friend.

“Yes indeed, and were would I be without you?” Thomas would have smiled if he could have but instead settles for readjusting himself on Shabel's shoulder.

“It has been three days since we left Lycoria, and still we are in these woods, tell me Shabel were is an inn? I am awfully hungry.”

Shabel laughed as they continued to walk, Thomas sweet and innocence to the ways of the world always manged to bring a smile to his face and always it seemed thought of food.

“Be patient my friend we shall come across an Inn soon enough, and then I will order you the largest plate of lettuce and bread you can possibly stomach.” Thomas clocked some more before closing his eyes, seemingly content with the matter. They walked in silence, Shabel's mind once again drifting off this time thinking of the task at hand. He had been given a pendant which would be able to hold the shards of the Orceth Jewel his master had told him.

One Jewel shard was for the mind, the other for the Soul, and the last for the Heart. One had to possesses all three to make the pendant with its jewel shards work properly. The shards themselves would heighten the power of those who wielded them and would continue to do so when assembled thought Shabel but of that he was uncertain. Shabel was told to go to the kingdom of Lucam'Kwaith and to seek out the one who would be his conscience and the one who could guide him.

A riddle if there ever was one but it was to be expected from his master, after all this was his final test. He had yet to tell Thomas were they were headed as he could well imagine the rabbits thoughts on that, but at least he had the name of the one who could guide him a dwarf named Scruffle Burntbeard though what Dwarven parent would name their child Scruffle was beyond Shabel. The forest broke off into a road with lead to a rugged country side, the birds were no longer chirping as they once had and Thomas began to stir once more.

“I don't suppose you have any bread left Shabel?” Thomas clicked innocently, breaking the mages thoughts. Chuckling Shabel reached into his robes and pulled out a small piece of bread that he had been saving for himself. He handed it to Thomas who nibbled on it gratefully. In the distance Shabel could make out the great wall of the kingdom of Lucam'Kwaith.

Already the guards manning the walls were scurrying to intercept him, in this kingdom they worshiped Brogg the vile god of death, though Shabel personally did not believe the god to be so, after all death was a part of life for all things would die eventually.
Last edited by Bread Butterbeard on Fri May 12, 2006 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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t_tibke
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Post by t_tibke »

While I don't particularly think its very tactful to simply go through and re-write something for someone without some additional discussion, I did at least do that to the very first paragraph. Even still, the dialogue thought... not sure I get what he's trying to say/think.

If you want me to do some more, I will, but we should talk about it a bit first. And get some other people's opinions.



Shabel Grah had been walking down the forest trail for hours it had seemed. The sky was clear and the sun shone bright through the canopy of trees. ‘A prefect day to travel, no doubt,’ thought Shabel Grah, ‘and a hot day it would be!’ He hummed to himself a sweet melody, remembering that every night when he was young, his mother used to sing the very same melody to him.
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Post by Magus »

There's a hyphen between Shabel and Grah; Shabel-Grah.

I can't go through it right now (I only have half of a period, and in that I need to do two days of Spanish homework), but from what I see you need to work more on comma-usage and punctuation. I'll read the whole thing and do a complete critique when I get home after school. I'm really excited to see what you've done, though.

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Post by t_tibke »

Yeah, that was the biggest thing I noticed. Lack of commas.
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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

sorry.... You are going to find a lot of grammar errors and missing commas, I am not so good at that... maybe im not the right person for this task after all... Feel free to add or change what you wish T_tIBKE also I fixed all instances were Shabel Grah to Shabel-Grah

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

"awaits egaerly to see what Mr_D, Magus and Nerou think about what he has wrote"

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Post by Magus »

I just printed it out and am going to give it a proper looking-at. I'll be away from my computer for maybe fifteen or so minutes, but I'll be reading and critiquing it all the same.

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