Lycoria: The Novel

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Neurolanis
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Post by Neurolanis »

Looks good to me, Taith! :D I'm not very good at spelling and grammer myself. Although this is too short to really comment much on, it does read pretty good for my taste! Keep writing! 8)

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Bread Butterbeard
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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

Well to let everyone know ill be gone here in a hour and a half and wont be back on until monday, also just if anyone is curious or might find it intresting, when I saved the Orceth adventure and put it in a book like stlye without quotes and pics and etc the total amount of pages came to 600 on the dot, thats pretty amazing to me!

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

Thanks Neuro! ^_^ "takes up his pencil/keyboard once more"

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Post by Mr_D »

Don't expect a deep, in depth analysis of your writing style from me, I'll leave that to these two since they're far more qualified. :D

I like it.

See, I told you not to expect too much. In all seriousness though I enjoyed it, the descriptions were detailed enough to paint a decent picture while allowing for the reader to interpret things themselves and overall and they didn't go on for so long that they became laborious. Pacing was nice and quick but leisurely as was the dialogue. Nice work I say.

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

8) Thanks Mr_D, it was the best i could come up with, I have a feeling after I write awhile about the characters and such I might have a better opening to the novel but for now it will have to do, I know Magus is going over it now so by him and T_T ibke if there any chcanges to be made ill make them then go to the next few pages, I intend to write a lot this weeked so here is to WRITING!

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Post by Magus »

It was swift reading. And I know that this is our adaptation, so I'll try not to twist everything around in my own story.

:rofl:

I'd just like to make mention that, inn Lycoria, Shabel's in his mid to late twenties. Sabal couldn't have butchered Shabel's parents and bride-to-be if it took place 15 years ago.

One thing that I noticed while reading this is that you don't follow the old writer's adage, "Show, don't tell". Mostly you seem to be telling far more than you're showing. This tends to weaken the writing. All of this, however, can easily be solved with a little work.

This is just me as a reader talking: I tend to prefer more description than you have here. This is simply my personal taste and doesn't reflect the writing necesarilly. It's simply a personal preference.

I do like what you've done, however, and it's nice to see what others think of my characters. I do look forward to seeing what else you plan on writing.

Give me a minute and I'll do a word-for-word critique. One second...

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

Well for my adaption i have adjusted Shabels age, unless you do not want that, also he has not yet meet Jacatour.

As for not enough discription, I uslally have to much of that and tried to slim it down, prehaps i slimed it to much.

as for telling to much, i was trying to just give peices to the puzzle, however I guess i can rmeove some of what i said and let the story unfold the rest as it progress'es

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Post by Neurolanis »

I do agree with Magus here, but I'm not sure how it could be remedied.

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

Well I beleive the best bet would be to keep the whole thing with the jewel to himself and just state the brother killing his family deal, then has he progesses more to his target and meets more allys and such revel more of why he is going on this quest of his.

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Post by Magus »

I'm still doing word-for-word analasis of it. I've been interupted a few times, so it's taken longer than I thought. I just wanted you to know that it's still coming.

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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

i got 18 mins left but im am looking forward to seeing what you have Magus ^_^

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Post by Magus »

Now this is just me going through and making some grammatical and syntaxual changes to the story. The grammatical stuff, more-or-less, is as it should be. Some of the other parts, though, you might want to check, though, and see if it works for you as a writer. Also keep in mind that this is strictly concerned with what you wrote, and does not take into consideration anything that I mentioned above. That I will leave to you.

I noticed that you switch off a lot between passive and active voices, as well as from past to present tense. You should watch for this and try sticking to an active past tense voice (preterite), only occasionally switching to a more passive voice (imperfect), and never changing to present-tense. The sections I put in italics I wasn't sure of. You either need to delete those or rework them, as they seem awkward to the piece as a whole. Also, every new thought should be a new paragraph. Sometimes you'll end one thought with what should either be its own paragraph or part of the paragraph below it.



Shabel-Grah had been walking down the forest trail for hours it had seemed. The sky was clear and the sun shone bright through the canopy of trees. 'A perfect day to travel, and a hot day it is going to be', thought Shabel-Grah as he hummed a sweet melody that his mother use to sing to him when he was a boy. He stood six foot three inches tall and had a slim sturdy build. His eyes were as blue as the afternoon sky and he had grown a short brown beard.

He wore a full length silk crimson robe unadorned by any symbol, with a hood that completely covered his face when worn. Underneath his robes he kept his numerous potions and his dagger sheathed on his left side. The dagger had a long, curved, crimson blade with a black handle inlaid with silver. He kept a brown-leather drawstring bag tied to his belt, which contained several items of a personal nature. Shabel stopped humming abruptly, remembering all why he hadn't hummed it before.

It was the night, THAT NIGHT, when his brother killed his parents and then killed his beloved Anna, defiling her in terrible ways, unspeakable ways. That was whenhe had hummed it last, and he could remember the flames of the burning house, the screams of his beloved Anna as she was burned alive in it.

Shabel-Grah grimaced at the pain of the memory and swore to avenge the death of his loved ones, and so he would. Revenge was the reason for his quest, although it was still his final test from his master, the one that would finally grant him the title of master.

A clicking sound came from his side as Thomas woke up. Thomas was his familiar, a small rabbit with brilliant white fur. They had bonded while they were both children and had grown together. Shabel understood the clicking sounds his friend made.

“You still have me you know.” Thomas said quietly almost as though he had read the necromancer's mind. Shabel sighed and smiled at his friend.

“Yes indeed, and were would I be without you?” Thomas would have smiled if he could have but instead settled for readjusting himself on Shabel's shoulder.

“It has been three days since we left Lycoria, and still we're still in these woods! When are we going to get to an inn? I am starving!”

Shabel laughed as they continued to walk. Thomas, ever sweet and innocent, always manged to bring a smile to his face.

“Be patient my friend. We shall come across an inn soon enough, and then you can eat all that you can manage to stomach.” Thomas clicked some more before closing his eyes, seeming content with the matter. They walked in silence, Shabel's mind once again drifting off, thinking of the task at hand.

One Jewel shard was for the mind, the other for the Soul, and the last for the Heart. One had to possesses all three to make the pendant with its jewel shards work properly. The shards themselves would heighten the power of those who wielded them. Shabel was told to go to the kingdom of Lucam'Kwaith and to seek out the one who would be his conscience and the one who could guide him.

It was a riddle if there ever was one, but it was to be expected from his master. After all, this was his final test. He had yet to tell Thomas where they were headed, and could imagine the rabbit's thoughts. He had the name of the one who could guide him, a dwarf named Scruffle Burntbeard, although what parent would name their child 'Scruffle' was beyond Shabel's abilities to fathom.

The forest broke off into a road with lead to a rugged country side, the birds were no longer chirping as they once had and Thomas began to stir once more.

“I don't suppose you have any bread left?” Thomas clicked again, breaking into the mage's thoughts. Chuckling, Shabel reached into his robes and pulled out a small piece of bread that he had been saving and handed it to Thomas, who nibbled on it gratefully.

In the distance Shabel could make out the great wall of the kingdom of Lucam'Kwaith. Already the guards manning the walls were scurrying to intercept him, in this kingdom they worshiped Brogg the vile god of death, though Shabel personally did not believe the god to be so, after all death was a part of life for all things would die eventually.

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