Page 9 of 13

Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 4:01 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
Thanks Magus!, I will take what you have said int oconsidertion and will rewrite this part, i will have something up on moday, hopefully better this go around. thanks to everyone who commented!

Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 4:04 pm
by Magus
My pleasure.

Just going back to showing as opposed to telling, you tell an aweful lot in the first bit; the death of Shabel's parents and Anna, of Sabal and the jewels of Orceth. Perhaps you should try keeping these secret until later. They could be major plot-twists if you make them.

Also, do what you will with Shabel's age if you want. It wasn't that important, and I was going off of a different idea.

Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 10:24 am
by Princess of Fire
Now I am completely lost. This is the novel section right???

>Magus, your posts are really really long. Why must you use so many of the words???<

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 12:42 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
Here is the new revised chapter, it is the first chapter, only three pages long on word but its will do hopefully. I hope Magus will aprrove of a few changes ive made in Sugams character. as always tell me what you think, I will wait on the next chapter until everyone is happy with the first as agreed.


Lycoria: The Jewel Shards of Orceth
Written by Timothy C. Cassidy Jr.

Chapter 1

Shabel-Grah had been walking down the forest trail for hours it had seemed. The sky was clear and the sun shone bright through the canopy of trees. 'A perfect day to travel, and a hot day it is going to be', thought Shabel-Grah as he hummed a sweet melody that his mother use to sing to him when he was a boy. He stood six foot three inches tall and had a slim sturdy build. His eyes were as blue as the afternoon sky and he had grown a short brown beard.

He wore a full length silk crimson robe unadorned by any symbol, with a hood that completely covered his face when worn. Underneath his robes he kept his numerous potions and his dagger sheathed on his left side. The dagger had a long, curved, crimson blade with a black handle inlaid with silver. He kept a brown-leather drawstring bag tied to his belt, which contained several items of a personal nature. Shabel stopped humming abruptly, remembering all too suddenly why he hadn't hummed it before.

It had been the night, THAT NIGHT, when his brother killed his parents and then killed his beloved Anna, defiling her in terrible ways, unspeakable ways. That was when he had hummed it last, and he could remember the flames of the burning house, the screams of his beloved Anna as she was burned alive in it.

Shabel-Grah grimaced at the pain of the memory and swore to avenge the death of his loved ones, and so he would. Revenge was the reason for his quest, although it was still his final test from his master, the one that would finally grant him the title of master.

A clicking sound came from his side as Thomas woke up. Thomas was his familiar, a small rabbit with brilliant white fur. They had bonded while they were both children and had grown together and from that closeness Shabel had come to understand the clicking sounds his friend made.

“You still have me you know.” Thomas said quietly almost as though he had read the necromancer's mind. Shabel sighed and smiled at his friend.

“Yes indeed, and were would I be without you?” Thomas would have smiled if he could have but instead settled for readjusting himself on Shabel's shoulder.

“It has been three days since we left Lycoria, and still we're still in these woods! When are we going to get to an inn? I am starving!”

Shabel laughed as they continued to walk. Thomas, ever sweet and innocent, always managed to bring a smile to his face.

“Be patient my friend. We shall come across an inn soon enough, and then you can eat all that you can manage to stomach.” Thomas clicked some more before closing his eyes, seeming content with the matter. They walked in silence, Shabel's mind once again drifting off, thinking of the task at hand.

He had yet to tell Thomas where they were headed, and could imagine the rabbit's thoughts on the matter. He had the name of the one who could guide him, a dwarf named Scruffle Burntbeard, although what dwarven parent would name their child 'Scruffle' was beyond Shabel.

Thomas began to stir once more. The birds were no longer chirping as the forest ended and broke off into a road leading to a rugged country side.

“I don't suppose you have any bread left?” Thomas clicked again, breaking the necromancer’s thoughts. Chuckling, Shabel reached into his robes and pulled out a small piece of bread that he had been saving and handed it to Thomas, who nibbled on it gratefully.

Shabel slowed has he noticed a bridge, it was going over a stream but it was not on his map. ‘Odd’ he thought has he came closer.

Springing up from the side of the bridge landed a woman. Her hair was red as a mid summers fire, her skin was tanned and her eyes were emerald color. She was dressed all in black her shoes made out of leather that was more slippers than boots. She had no jewelry visible and had a short sword strapped to her side.

“Why hello good mage, It shall be fifty silvers to pass the bridge.”

Shabel eyed the woman carefully his hands already moving to his pouch preparing a spell.

“I do not see your name inscribed upon the bridge, nor do I see and singa of law upon your cloths.”

The woman blinked then laughed slapping hers knees as though Shabel as said something amusing.

“Firstly good mage I did not say my name was on the bridge, why would I put my name on a bridge that isn’t mine? And secondly why would I have a singa on my clothes? Nasty bugers those are!”

Shabel stood back baffled by her response, what was nasty about a singa? And was she mocking him? It was hard to tell, her face remained sincere as she spoke and her smile was innocent enough. Thomas clicked a few times and then disappeared into his robes. Shabel meet the woman’s gaze with a slight smile.

“If it is not your bridge, then why should I pay you to cross it?”

The woman frowned then drew her sword and lunged at the necromancer with blinding speed. Shabel threw his hand up and she slammed into him but fell back as though she had hit a wall. The green energy of Shabel’s magic lingered then subsided. The woman balled up on the ground and began to cry.

“Why did you hit me? I only wanted fifty silvers for you to pass the bridge not cross it, the waters fine you know.” Sniffing she stood sheathing her sword.

Shabel looked at her in shock trying to understand what had happened. One moment she demanded money the next she attacks then she goes back to demanding money it was clear the woman was mad but from what Shabel did not know. Offering his hand Shabel watched her carefully.

She looked at the necromancer briefly then smiled once more and took his hand rising to her feet.

“Forgive me! I haven’t even introduced myself, you can pay the fifty later, we can simply go across the bridge as you suggested, the names Chessor by the way in case you were wondering.”

“I am Shabel-Grah.” He answered simply looking at her before turning his attention to his missing rabbit. A yelp was heard as Shabel and Chessor both turned to see Thomas flying through the air, seemingly attached to something.

“Get if off me!” roared whoever Thomas had latched himself to. Chessor began to chuckle at the site then erupted in laughter. Shabel however was not as amused. Walking over to Thomas he clicked a few times then raised his fist in the air and swung down hitting the persons head.

“Yeow!, what was that for? I meet you no harm” stuttered a boy who suddenly appeared, the effect of whatever magic he had used to hide himself having vanished.

“Then give me back the coins you have taken from my purse, Thomas has told me you hold them.”

Chessor continued to laugh and the boy, who had pointed ears like that of an elf’s but had a nose like that of a gnomes stumbled then rose to his feet thrusting out the purse that held Shabel’s coins.

“Take em I had no need for them anyways I was only trying to help.” Shabel looked at Chessor accusingly but took his coins back Thomas scurrying across the boys arm and back onto Shabel’s shoulder. Turning to leave Chessor ran up to him and tugged on his sleeve. She had fallen to her knees and began to whine like a child.

“Oh please can we come with you? We will behave, I promise!!! PLWEASE!”

Chessor eyes were wide and filled with innocence which Shabel found to sincere to doubt and the boy looked hopeful but worried. Shabel thought for a moment then clicked to Thomas, listen to his friend for a moment then slowly nodded.

“You may follow me if you wish, I go to Lucam-Kwaith but be warned I want no tricks and our pace will be swift.” Chessor leapt up with a smile and hugged Shabel quickly before he could respond and darted off across the bridge. The boy following behind some what hesitantly.

“Come on Sugam! Lets not disappoint father!” The boy nodded and followed after Chessor leaving Shabel to wonder who ‘Father’ was and if he had made a mistake in letting the two travel with him.

****

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 2:48 pm
by Xyster
>> I want to intreject here. I got a PM saying that things were going on here and would like to get a PM from Taith becuase Magus post too much for me to find to what's going on.<<

>>Me lost.<<

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 2:55 pm
by Magus
I think that I forgot to mention this earlier, and I know I forgot to mention it in Shabel's innitial character description, but his robes have a simple gold trim along their edge. Just a slight detail.

This is just my opinion, but the narroration might benefit from changing "'A perfect day to travel, and a hot day it is going to be'" to "'A perfect day to travel, and what a hot day it is going to be'". That's just a slight matter (So slight that I wouldn't be above calling it nit-picking), though, and again just my opinion.

"They had bonded while they were both children and had grown together and from that closeness Shabel had come to understand the clicking sounds his friend made." This is another slight suggestion, but it might be better if you change it to, "They had bonded while they were both children, had grown up together, and from that closeness Shabel had come to understand the clicking sounds his friend made."

Just a comma change here, "Thomas said quietly, almost as though he had read the necromancer's mind."

Perhaps "The birds were no longer chirping as the forest ended and broke off into a road leading to a rugged country side." could be changed to something like, "The birds no longer chirped as the forest ended, the road now crosing the rugged, open countryside." One reason for this is that you seem to be using the present and imperfect tenses a lot, which makes the story more passive. You might want to look for this while you continue writing, because more active writing typically is better writing, although it's not so firmly set in stone. Also, you write with a lot of adverbs, words that end in "ly". These also make the writing more passive, and generally you don't want to have much more than one per page (or one per every 250 words). Don't use this as an absolute rule, but do keep in mind that you might want to try for a little less.

When Shabel's talking to the woman on the bridge, you wrote " singa", which I think you meant to write "sign"... in fact, you write that pretty much everywhere, and might want to fix that.

This sentence, "Firstly good mage I did not say my name was on the bridge, why would I put my name on a bridge that isn’t mine? And secondly why would I have a singa on my clothes? Nasty bugers those are!", has some grammatical errors. It would probably read best as, "“First, good mage, I did not say my name was on the bridge. Why would I put my name on a bridge that isn’t mine? And second, why would I have a sign on my clothes? Nasty bugers those are!”

Another comma fix: "Shabel stood back, baffled by her response. What was nasty about a sign, and was she mocking him?"

Another comma fix: "The woman frowned,"

You might want to change the "and" in the next sentence to "as".

When the woman speaks again, it should be "water's".

Commas: "Shabel looked at her in shock, trying to understand what had happened. One moment she demanded money, the next she attacks, and then she goes back to demanding money! It was clear to Shabel that the woman had to be mad."

Commas again: "She looked at the necromancer briefly, then smiled once more and took his hand, rising to her feet."

Grammatical: “Forgive me! I haven’t even introduced myself yet! You can pay the fifty later, we can go across the bridge now as you suggested. My name's Chessor, by the way.” The "in case you were wondering, paired with the by the way was very repetetive. You can keep either one you want, but you should remove one of them.

Grammatical and Syntaxual: "He answered, simply looking at her before turning his attention to his missing friend. He heard a yelp, and turned to see Thomas floating through the air as if somebody was carrying him."

"roared" should be capitalized. "site" should be "sight", and then followed with a comma.

Commas: "Shabel, however,"

The next sentence is very passive, and I'd recommend changing it to "He walked over to Thomas, clicked a few short words to him, and then struck down on whatever was holding his friend aloft."

“Then give me back the coins you have taken from my purse, Thomas has told me you hold them.” Should probably be changed to, “Then give me back the coins you've taken from my purse. Thomas told me you have them.”

Just a general clean for grammar and clarity: "Chessor continued to laugh and the boy, who had pointed ears like an elf, but a nose like a gnome, rose to his feet, thrusting out Shabel’s purse."

Grammar: “Take 'em! I had no need for them anyway, I was only trying to help.” Shabel took his coins back as he flashed Cheesor and accusing look. Thomas scurryied across the boy's arm back onto Shabel’s shoulder. As he turned to leave Cheesor raced to and grabbed his sleave, falling down on her knees and whining like a child."

In the next paragraph, the first sentence, but "an" before "innocent", remove "to doubt", put a comma after "sincere" and replace "but" with "if". Then put a comma after "then", add an "ed" to "listen" and add "add" before the last "then".

Start a new sentence after "Lucam-Kwaith", add a semi-colon after "warned" and a comma before "and". The next sentence should be, " Chessor leapt up with a smile,hugged Shabel before he could respond and darted off across the bridge." Also, "some what" should be a single word. "Lets" should be "Let's", and there should be commas after bother "Cheesor" and "was".

Who's the Father? I'm unsure of how I take to your version of Sugam. I was dead-set against it when I first saw it, but then not so much as before. It's kind of like K-9 in Doctor Who, annoying at first, but he really does grow on you. I'm still unsure of how I feel about him in his current form, but I'll wait and see how he develops further.

You're a good writer from what I can tell. I think that you might be taking the pacing a but faster than you should, but that's a personal preference (and I tend to drag things out, myself). You're real problem is grammer, especially commas and other punctuation. This should get better with time, but you might want to brush up on some rules concerning their usage.

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:01 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
... It would be nice to know if you even liked what I wrote, also I am trying to work on my writing but seemingly not well enough I warned that my writing would be like this and most likly wont improve for a while until I can grasp the concept you like, that being said I am wondering If I should back down from this, I write how I write, yes it is different but its how it comes out, I love the changes you mdae, I really do but I doubt I can write like that at least not any time soon

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:10 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
Singa was suppose to be ensigna, sorry about that, I think you make a wonderful editor Magus, sorry if my earlier post seems abrut, I know my writing needs help and I am keeping notes of the suggestions you make and try to follow it

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:24 pm
by t_tibke
Don't you worry Taith. Thus far, you're just getting going, and honestly, after you get a good twenty pages in, you'll likely have already improved a great deal.

I like what you've done so far, and remember, we all said we would assist in the editing, so if you're still enjoying writing it, then by all means continue! I do look forward to these pieces going up bit by bit.

One thing I can say to you about your comma usage. Do you ever try to read your work out loud? If you do, you'll probably find yourself out of breath pretty quickly, because there is minimal pausing to break up your strings of thoughts. I suggest, that after you're done with your next set of writing, read it out loud to yourself in or room or somewhere, and see where if feels natural to take a breath. It obviously is no exact science, but I think it will help you to understand what your writing sounds like when you're finished, rather than just re-reading it in your head.

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:27 pm
by Magus
I accidentally clicked submit when I posted it last, and was probably only about half-way through at the time. That's why I wasn't able to give an overall comment, and apologize for the mistake.

In that case, it would be "insignia".

Cheesor's description, also, is a little bit off. She doesn't wear black, but mohagony leather armor and, depending on when this is, either a crimson or green shirt underneath it, with pants of a matching color. You also forgot about her bow, which is her primary weapon. Also, I just noticed, it should be "mid-summer's".

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:31 pm
by Magus
Oh, and don't back down! I think that you're doing a good job and can only improve on the matter. I say that you should keep going and, so long as you do, I'll be here to submit my two cents whenever I can. I edit not to put you down, but instead to try my best to help. This is how I do all of my editing, I tear whatever it is down as completely as I can, so that I can expose everything that can be improved upon. If you look at almost everything else I've critiqued I've pretty much done the same.

Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:34 pm
by Bread Butterbeard
Thanks guys ^_^ I needed to hear that not sure why but I know it helped greatly, ill keep on going, im in this for the long hual