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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:41 am
by aldan
Dipping the quill, the writer begins
Marking the page, scratching out sins
Noting the looks and the feel of the guy
Who vaguely resembles the author to eye

Yet as he progresses from chapter to chapter
The writer he pales and his grip strength thereafter
Is not as before, but with all that ink
He brings color and life to the new world in sync

With the thoughts in his head and the soul of his life
As his character grows and then woos him a wife
To build him a home and a surging career
But as he is building, he's grabbed by a fear

For family and friends, and children to be
As in four more months a new baby he'll see
At work he's a grunt pushing all his team hard
Which the higher-ups see, put his name on a card

And with the promotion he continues to press
Striving and pushing and doing his best
To secure his position and bolster his place
So he puts on a suit and a tie and a face

The hands of the writer now shake in pain
His fingers they cramp and then swell again
But the author presses, his wrinkled brow
Showing determination for the here and now

The character's hair, it begins to gray
As he focuses on work from day to day
His wife and his kids hardly ever see him
For he spends all his time at the office and gym

The wife begins an affair with a neighbor and friend
To try to find comfort and help th' pain to end
But guilt is the feeling that pierces her soul
And anger at her husband which eats her whole

And the writer, a tear, it drops from his face
Causing ink to run and pool up in place
But the author ignores the tears and the ink
For his story is all about which he can think

Now the character's working on a project so big
Knowing that if he succeeds he can then dance a jig
For as a reward for leading the team to the prize
Is a raise and vacation away from the guys

With his wife and the kids by the ocean so blue
On Caribbean islands for a month or two
But he tells not his wife or his kids of the news
For to surprise them is what he does choose

But the efforts he puts forth seem to be all in vain
For the crew on his team will not work the same
As his previous teams and their striving to win,
So with the new group, then his chances are slim

As time does go by he continues to strive
For the team to work hard, more than just nine to five
But the time for the project to end came and went
And they did not finish as the president meant

So the character leaves early to drive home to the hills
Having stopped at the bar for some liquid and pills
He then enters the house to share with his wife
His loss of the chance for a much better life

But after he enters the door near the stairs
He hears an odd sound from somewhere up there
So he creeps up and then follows the noise
Hoping that it is just one of the boys

And walking along while feeling alone
His steps keeping time to the grunts and the moans
Finally in fear he cracks open his door
Knowing in his soul just what is in store

It is John from the house that's across the street
And character's wife that is making the heat
And the passionate sounds that have pierced his soul
With treacherous daggers that leave gaping large holes

So leaving them there he then closes the door
And goes out to his car to then drive to the store
Where he buys ups some paper and a dipping quill
Then returns to write while he has had time to kill

The sharpened quill pen he used to pierce his vein
Which blood is his ink for it leaves quite a stain
On the paper and also on shirt and his soul
But the largest stain comes from his head with the hole...

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 11:15 am
by Tremayne
Grim, but very well managed, Aldan. Love the blurring of writer and character. You do it without it ever being disorienting. While the rhyme seemed a little forced in the first couple stanza's, both rhyme and meter became very smooth as it progressed, to the point of being virtually unnoticable, which is to be desired.

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 11:17 am
by LadyFlame
Very Good. Sad. But Good.
SO, in my analysis, is the writer and the 'character' the same person? For me it is like they clash together, there is some play on words that they are the same person. Maybe the writer is the character writing in his journal. I guess I see that cuz' the end of the poem is with the character killing himself and the end didn't speak of the author.....

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:11 pm
by aldan
*aldan grins*
Questions like that are to be answered by the reader and not the writer. Of course, the writer would not be able to answer if it be as you say, but the writer would NOT answer if 'twere NOT as you say....

And Tremayne, as for the forced rhyme, it is true that it is rather forced. I wrote it without wishing it to be, but then after completing it and then going back over it a few times, I came to realize that maintaining the forced rhyme at the beginning worked well to accomplish what I wished to do. Think of it as being similar to a gunshot and the results thereof...

Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 6:25 pm
by Magus
"I guess that's what brains look like. Sortta... like lasagna."


I enjoyed it. Story-poetics is something new to you, yes? I don't recall any like it of the ones you posted previously. It was entertaining and held my attention throughout. I do agree that some of the rhyming seemed forced, while elsewhere it was imperfect. I don't care if a poem rhymes or not, just for me imperfect rhyming is annoying. Otherwise it was a find piece of work.

I'm wondering if you're trying some new things in your poetry? In addition to the linear-story of the poem I also noticed other differences between it and your other work; heavy rhyming and its length being foremost.

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:52 am
by aldan
As for the differences, it was an attempt to create a storied poem. It's sort of a metaphor for what authors actually do - they put their souls out on paper, while this author put his blood there. I just had to come up with a reason for it. I agree that it wasn't quite to the quality of some of my other work, but I was trying some new things, so I didn't expect it to be. As for the rhyming, the type of rhyming I was using wasn't the pure type, but instead I was going for similar sounds, not SAME sounds. For example, in the words 'vine' and 'rhyme', while they have 'en' and 'em' sounds to them, they also have the strong 'I' sound to them both, which works for that rhyming type. You see, I was trying to avoid having the rhymes be too elementary school-ish. Some were straight across rhymes, but others not so much.

My 'Treachery' was a shorter version of this one, in that there was a bit of a story there, but this one was much more thoroughly so, and it actually did relate a full story, while the Treachery was more of an episode.

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 12:03 pm
by MainComputer
I can't add much to this, other than what's been said - but I wanted you to know that I've been taking a look at your work aldan, after your insightful analysis of my own.

As for poetry, its not my field, and one I'm rather weak in. I've tried, tried again, and given up.

A great metaphor in this piece, but dare I say that I'd have preferred a new angle on the 'partner coming home and finding their spouse cheating on them' plot? No - I dare not. Besides, it wasn't really a plot, but simply a tool for the metaphor you were playing with.

Whenever I tried writing rhyming poetry, I always found the rhyming aspect of the project highly frustrating, time-intensive and limiting on the message/story/plot/idea I was trying to convey?

How do you manage this? I guess... with time...

Comments made included that your rhyme seemed forced in the first few stanzas, but I can't see this.
I need to read more poetry!

In my humble opinion, a well-crafted, enjoyable read. Thanks.

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 12:40 pm
by Magus
If you need to read more poetry then Aldan here's the one you should look to. I count 22 poems he's posted here, all of them maddeningly brilliant. There's him... and there's Poe... and that's the pinnacle of poetry that I can think of. I'm serious when I say this, for I've said it to him several times before. Stick with the two of them, and Shakespeare and Sydney if you like Sonnets, and you can't go wrong.

Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 7:10 pm
by aldan
Yes, with Time, but don't forget the parsley, sage and rosemary!

Rhyming takes lots of practice, and also it helps to really keep your eyes open for synonyms, since if one word doesn't rhyme, but DOES accomplish what you want it to for that line, then if you can find a synonym for that word that also rhymes, you're set!

It's important to not expect all of your poems to be noteworthy. Instead, try to write frequently, constantly working with different concepts of poetry. Rhyming is one, rhythm another. Color, texture, line length, onomatopoeia... all of these and more help to improve poetry, but most people can't do them all when they first start out. Therefore, if you want to write poetry, try lots of different things, so as to find out where your strengths and weaknesses lie, so that you can learn what you should work on.

Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:31 am
by Believer
Very good Aldan, very deep. it seemed that I was attached from the beginning. Everything was expressed, and I truly felt the emotions in it