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Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 2:44 am
Typing on a single keyboard
Warming my chill fingers here
Alone I sit before the monitor
The heater doesn't warm my bones
The sun outside lights not the room
Or darkened thoughts that fill my brow
Frustration marks my tempered weeping
Teardrops washing th' table off
Removing dirt left by my hands
Or forehead prints from smashing bangs
My online rambles stilling slowly
I'm not wanted anymore
Or so it seems as my depression
Makes me see as through a haze
And so I sit alone online
In MMOs and on websites
Where I'd hoped to leave my mark
Instead 'tis left before my keyboard
On the forehead 'printed desk
But that will wash and blood wipe clean
Since words ignored mean not a thing
Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 3:05 pm
Such emotional impact in this! Loved it!
Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 5:12 am
<pats Aldran> I feel your pain
Just out of curiosity, was there intentional rhythm manipulation in this poem, or did it just come out that way?
Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 12:50 pm
As an answer, I did not do it technically (as in "oh, I have 5 beats on that line and 5 on this... I need to change it") but I did do it. I've been writing poetry enough and long enough to have learned that often if you want something to be disturbing, rhythm will have a great effect on that feeling. Word choice is another option to help it along, but for me, at least, rhythm is a primary tool here.
Another that I used that tool on was "Treachery" which was posted last year. On that one, I worked at it a bit more purposefully, because many of my other poems from around the time had happier feels and I was writing that one with a much more strongly negative tone, as well as striving to have the strongest hits of that bad feeling in a couple of areas of the poem.
Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 7:15 pm
The only reason I asked was because I'm studying poetry at the moment
I only wondered how instinctive rhythmic manipulation in experienced writers was.
I think it brings across the intended feelings very strongly. Thanks for sharing, it's awesome!
Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 10:10 pm
To an extent, it can become quite instinctive. It's something where if a poet is very rhythmic, then the result will often be like with a snow skier. A skier will end up not even thinking about how he is changing the edges he's running on to make a turn, or how he is automatically plotting out his course most of the way down the mountain. Instead it will become almost instinctive, and only in cases where things are much more difficult than he is used to will he end up thinking about it. I think that I'm getting much closer to that as a poet, because often while I do still need to think about what would be the best words to use for the rhymes I'm making (I started as a non-rhyming poet), the rhythm is pretty natural for me. I've been painting with words for awhile now, and it's become really enjoyable to create decent to good poems and then see just what I wrote after my pen/fingers stop moving....
A little off
Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 5:10 pm
I didn't sense any rhythm at it was as if a sad person sat and wrote their thoughts down on their keyboard. I think it's that they have no life except on line and that is what makes them sad at least that's how I got it. It felt disjointed to me.
Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:07 pm
Exactly, and for me, that is one of the tougher things for me to accomplish with poetry... to apply that disjointed, non-flowing feel to the poetry, but I felt it was necessary to use it to communicate the despair and frustration I was working toward.
I try to put in some flow (as with the lines
"Removing dirt left by my hands
Or forehead prints from smashing bangs
My online rambles stilling slowly"),
but then I stomp on it with a line I feel is important to put a lot of focus onto: "I'm not wanted anymore", which breaks the minor rhythm I'd created, or at least I hope so....
Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 6:42 am
That was the impression I got from it, a vague rhythm stomped by depression. It's very effective. If no one had written on by now, I was going to say something like that...