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The Chill of Night

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:44 pm
by aldan
Turning, I walk
No change of pace.
Lights of the city
Tell of the race.

'Run to the finish,
Fast as you can,
To meet the right girl
If you're a man.'

Ralph walks beside me
Leash to his collar,
As my costly shoes
Step over a dollar.

I wave to a neighbor
And grin a short smile,
Then continue on,
Completing a mile.

I stop at a park
To let Ralphie run
And sit down to think
Of times with more fun,

But memory is short,
The times are hard
And I dislike sonnets,
E'en from The Bard.

So I gather up
My now-panting dog,
Walk by the pond
And a splashing frog.

I now slow a bit,
Walking up the hill,
Then step in the house,
To dark and to still.

Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 6:49 pm
by clknaps
Very well done. It invoked pity from me for the narrator of the story. He, who according to cultural standards, has it all, but inside he has nothing of what he yearns for.
The last part is the best, he slows as he heads home, for he knows it's cold and dark and lonely inside and once there he can no longer hide the facade of his happiness.

Good stuff, thanks for sharing.

CLK

Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 10:16 am
by aldan
Thank you. I was thinking about people from poorer parts of the world, and that made me think about how they would perceive what I have. My clothing is in decent shape, my bicycle is less than a year old and is quite nice. I have no home, but passers by wouldn't necessarily know that. What would they think of me?

I see a man walking a small dog. He waves 'hi' to people as he passes by, but seems a bit pre-occupied. What would I think of him? How would I 'label' him? How accurate would my 'picture' of him be?

Re: The Chill of Night

Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 10:53 am
by RHFay
aldan wrote:To dark and to still.


Hi aldan! :smt039

I have one comment about a possible edit. in the above line, do you mean:

"Too dark and too still." ?

Other than that, this one was especially good. You definitely have some good emotions at work in that piece. And your rhyme seems to work; it doesn't seem particularly forced like some rhyme (not necessarily yours - just rhyme in general).

It created the emotions without being too obscure, which can be another good thing. You want to make sure the reader gets your point!

Keep 'em coming! :wink:

Cheers!

Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 1:53 pm
by aldan
I'd thought about using the extra letter 'o' for the two words, but really, I wanted the purpose of the 'to dark and to still' line was to give the impression that he was returning to a very depressing place, one that, while it was his own place, and was nice enough, was, in his mind, a very quiet and dark place. It would still give the impression that the place is indeed very much too dark and too still, but using that sort of verbiage would have really set that line apart from the rest, since I worked to avoid speaking of excesses in saying anything about him. since he has gotten to the point of being inured to the sadness of his life, and wouldn't draw any attention to it himself.

Wow, I'm having some difficulty in explaining why, but basically, the man of the poem is quiet, lonely, and really seems quite small. He may not be in real life, so to speak, but behind his fascade, it's what he is. Perception is everything....

Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 2:55 pm
by RHFay
aldan wrote:I'd thought about using the extra letter 'o' for the two words, but really, I wanted the purpose of the 'to dark and to still' line was to give the impression that he was returning to a very depressing place, one that, while it was his own place, and was nice enough, was, in his mind, a very quiet and dark place.


Just a suggestion, but the line might work better (and look less like a typo) if it read something like:

To darkness and stillness.

If you do mean "to" instead of "too", it might work better.

Cheers!

Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 6:20 pm
by Ariel
Aldan, that was great! CLK, I couldn't have said it better myself!