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Focus

Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 9:44 am
by aldan
A floating bird on airy wave
Wind's current holding it aloft
A twist of head helps swing in sight
Dinner, careless on the ground

The heedless rabbit looks around
As soon will come the fall of night
Its thoughts, they lie on something soft
Not end of life without a grave

*This poem is one that I'm playing with. It's one that has an odd rhyme-scheme (ABCD DCBA), but a strong rhythm. I may or may not add to the poem, but it seems fairly complete as it is now. True, it's short, but all poems need not be epic in nature (even poems ABOUT nature).*

Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 7:19 pm
by Talon Sinnah
Amen on your last statement. Maybe the title is in it, I personally would debate on calling it Nature, or Nature's Flight. Overall very well done and very powerful.

Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 7:45 am
by Ariel
Love it!

Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 12:38 pm
by aldan
I appreciate your thoughts on the titling of this, Talon. You may notice that I applied one to it now. If you like it or don't, or if you don't know why I titled it as I did, I'd appreciate knowing.

As for the poem itself, I've pretty much decided that unless some idea hits me in the face with a metaphorical two-by-four, I'll just leave it as it is.

I appreciate your taking the time, both of you, to read my offerings here, and to reply to them. Time is the most valuable commodity in the world, so you doing that is of great worth to me!

Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 4:15 pm
by Talon Sinnah
A very suiting name for it I believe.

Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 12:33 am
by Grand Evander
I always find your poetry interesting, aldan. There's an unusual rhythm to your poems such that the stanzas seem to me off-beat and disjointed, yet they paint a very thought provoking larger picture for the reader. You certainly are economic with your words and careful with your word choices, which makes a read through all the more pleasurable.

leave it be...

Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 2:15 pm
by RHFay
Hi Aldan!

If you don't mind me putting my two-cents worth in, even though I'm brand new around here, I say leave the poem as-is. It's definitely a complete thought. Any more will dilute that thought, and distract from the point. Poems certainly don't have to be long; haiku are very short! (Maybe I will post some of my "scifaiku" or "horrorku" later, if anyone is interested.)

There's nothing wrong with using a different rhyme sequence, or even no rhyme sequence at all. Your rhyme is very subtle, but subtle works in that particular piece.

Definitely give the title some thought.

Cheers!

Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 3:42 pm
by aldan
I mind not at all. Indeed, I appreciate the input! When I first wrote the poem, I was working toward a totally different result. However, I was interrupted in the middle of creating the piece, so I had to just end it there. It was only after going through all of my "older" written poems (ones that I'd created months ago), that I found this piece again, and it was then that I first noticed, after struggling to 'complete' the poem once again, that the way I had written the poem seemed to be a worthwhile and very workable way to get a valid point across, even though it was quite different from the original one I'd attempted.

The reason I mentioned the rhyme-scheme was because it was a new method for me, one I'd pulled out of my proverbial ear.

Oh, yes, and the investment of two cents can lead to a windfall here at Speculative Vision.