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Burden

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

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Burden

Postby aldan » Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:11 pm

Shiny paint and bright spotlights
Displaying the price

Perfect body is brand new
And the chrome is nice

Extra cab and stereo
Rims and tinting too

Handsome man in stylish suit
Sparkles in his eyes

Sees the result of his goal
As he makes the buy

Leaving from church, him in tux
And her in wedding dress

Their luggage, too, is sitting there
Ready for honeymoon

Now he rushes to apartment
Picks up his pregnant wife

The baby seat in extra cab
Now cradles pride and joy

And a toy box beside a crib
Are cradled in truck's bed

With baby two the parents now
Are searching for a house

Suburbia is where they find
Their castle in the sky

A mirrored oakwood dresser sits
In bed with tailgate down

And luggage, cribs and toys are there
To make the house a home

The husband works in making homes
For others just like them

The lumber in the big truck's bed
And tools in toolbox strong

The wife is mother staying home
Teaching the kids to live

And now with three, two boys, a girl
They travel for some fun

Enjoying sun and water, shade
It pleases everyone

Then later when the paint's not bright
And dirt encrusts the truck

The man drives home to dark'ning skies
For end of day has come

He plans for teens and mom and him
To fly out on a trip

To go to ski in Aspen there
And rest from stress again

So he and she had arranged things
To leave at the week's end

That they would be ready to leave
With luggage, skis and cheer

But travelling home he hits a rock
That flattens his truck's tire

That flat is now in bed of truck
As he gets back on road

Then a sandstorm in desert waste
Begins to blow real strong

And small rocks chip his windshield there
And pothole bumps jar hard

Then getting home he honks his horn
To signal 'time to go'

But no response so he hops out
And enters through the door

And then returns with angered look
While holding a short note

And drives to highway once again
In dark and the sandstorm

The morning sun rises again
On sand-covered highway

Next to a cliff a blasted truck
With a shattered windshield

Tools are scattered, lumber too
Skis with luggage, plastic bags

Bloody face covered in tears
Broken mirror reflects fear

Heavy rock has crushed his lungs
As he rolled inside his truck

A cell phone rings, then rings again
No answer comes from him
Last edited by aldan on Fri Apr 13, 2007 4:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby clknaps » Fri Apr 13, 2007 4:15 am

Sorry, couldn't resist. I guess I was never very good at doing what I was told. :)
So I didn't read the poem, but I chortle in your general direction for using the word "weight" in your subject heading.

Looking forward to the rest!

Cheers!
CLK
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Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
I shot the city sheriff.
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Postby aldan » Fri Apr 13, 2007 4:11 pm

Ah, NOW I'm done!
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
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Postby Talon Sinnah » Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:49 pm

I like this a story inside a poem, ah the best of both worlds. Nicely done once again Aldan.
I am the poet of the body and I am the poet of the Soul. The pleasures of heaven are with me and the pains of hell are with me. The first I graft and increase upon myself, the latter I translate into a new tongue.

-Walt Whitman-
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Postby RHFay » Sat Apr 14, 2007 8:15 am

Hello aldan!

This is an interesting concept, and the twist is nice for a break from the general "life history" trend of the poem, but it may be a bit long. Pare it down a bit, and I think it will have a stronger effect. Or perhaps make the stanzas slightly longer by joining some together, instead of the 2-line pattern. I would say the ending, when things go wrong, should definitely be trimmed a bit for a more powerful climax.

Cheers!
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
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Postby aldan » Sat Apr 14, 2007 11:27 am

Thanks for the responses. I'll start going through it and see what I feel would work best.
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Postby Talon Sinnah » Sat Apr 14, 2007 8:30 pm

I agree with RH to an extent but I do not see how combining some would make it more effective other than making it easier to read.
I am the poet of the body and I am the poet of the Soul. The pleasures of heaven are with me and the pains of hell are with me. The first I graft and increase upon myself, the latter I translate into a new tongue.

-Walt Whitman-
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