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A Wall

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

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A Wall

Postby aldan » Wed May 02, 2007 4:16 pm

I wonder why
I have not died.

Do I care when
My life shall end?

For seems to be
I will not see
What's good for me.

Or if I do
See that good,

It just appears
To represent my fears

And never seems
To answer dreams
With aught but screams

Or causing tears
That bleed for years

From blinded eyes
And hide the skies

Whose clouds of rain
Drop their refrain
Flow to the drain

And swirl on down
To pool and drown

My hopes and fate
I don't relate

To spring or fall
Or time of day

To life at all
I just can say

I struck a wall
And fell today.
Last edited by aldan on Thu May 03, 2007 10:08 am, edited 2 times in total.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby RHFay » Wed May 02, 2007 4:54 pm

Hello Aldan!

You're just full of angst, aren't you?

I like the emotions in this one. I think one stanza doesn't quite work, the one that starts "'Coz seems to be...". You may want to rework that first line. I'm not sure 'coz really works that well there.

Nice rhyme in some of those lines. I think the rhyme flows well. Sometimes, rhyme seems forced, but I think it works pretty well here. Opinions may differ, however (I've seen some publishers and editors state outright that rhyme is a very hard sell, and they don't usually like rhyming poetry).

Cheers!
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
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Postby aldan » Wed May 02, 2007 5:23 pm

Hello...

Angst... well, I suppose you could say that, but it's not a front.

I've been struggling with a lot of things recently, so I've simply been bringing forth my struggles on digital paper. I'm not always this way, or at least I THINK I'm not, but recently, at least, even though I've been trying to find positive things to spout about, I've lacked the inspiration to write anything positive that I feel is worthwhile.

Now, about rhyme, I've been working on my rhyming for awhile now, but if you look at my early poems, I think you'll see that I'm not bound to it. Really, though, I think that if you're trying to sell one poem, then it'd be better to go with a non-rhyming poem... at least for non-romantic ones. If you're trying to sell them to Hallmark or whoever, though, rhyming likely wouldn't hurt.

The line I wrote with "'Coz" was one I wasn't happy with, definitely. However, I've been having difficulty in coming up with a line that flowed properly. The word 'for' could work, and just struck me betwixt the visual organs, so I shall edit it now...
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby RHFay » Wed May 02, 2007 7:07 pm

Hi Aldan!

I wasn't implying at all that your angst was a front. I can definitely understand going through struggles. And I think poetry can be a powerful medium to help deal with all those dark and troubling emotions.

Much of my poetry is very dark, if in a different way. It's actually harder for me to write lighter stuff. I guess the darker emotions are just more intense than the lighter ones.

As long as your poetry helps you deal with the darker issues, then keep it up!

Cheers!
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
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Postby Grand Evander » Thu May 03, 2007 1:04 pm

I think the more proper thing to say, RHFay, is that the speaker in the poem seems to have a lot of angst, or that the poem expresses a lot of angst. I, for one, am very little like the speaker's of my poems. I often write from inspiration based on an emotion, usually a foreign emotion, that I feel at the time.

aldan, I like this poem a lot. It deals with serious issues in a rather light manner. The rhyme scheme appears to trip itself up at times... but I realize you like the break in rhythm. One rhyme that seemed forced to me is when you used the word, "refrain." Other than that, I might consider reworking the enjambment a bit. Some of the stanzas, such as:

"Or if I do
See that good,"

would perhaps be more effective as just a one sentence stanza, since that further separates it from what follows and helps place emphasis.

As always a refreshing read, aldan. I'm currently working on another poem myself. Hope to post it soon.

-GE
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Postby Ariel » Sat May 19, 2007 6:40 am

Yet another good poem by aldan. Always filled with emotion. Nicely expressed.
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