speculative visionscience fiction and fantasy

For this, I give thanks...

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

Moderators: Bmat, Qray

    Bookmark and Share
 

For this, I give thanks...

Postby aldan » Fri Nov 23, 2007 1:56 pm

My hands that write and type and touch
Your smoother skin and smiling face,
My eyes that see your brightning grin,
Anticipating Christmas gifts,
My ears that hear your happy cries
For diamond earrings, pendants, too,
My lips that shape a word and smile,
Accepting your expressive kiss,
My feet that walk
Right out your door.
Last edited by aldan on Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
User avatar
aldan
Artisan Wordsmith
Artisan Wordsmith
 
Posts: 3886
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 11:46 am
Location: Ohio, right now...
 

 

Postby RHFay » Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:03 pm

Whoah! This one takes a rather sharp, and possibly bitter turn. I don't know if bitter is quite the right word, but I think you get the notion, anyway.

I also sense a bit of anti-commercialism in there, if I'm reading this right. As if the narrator is voicing a protest against the materialism of today's expensive Christmas gift-giving.

I hope I'm not reading too much into the piece.
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
User avatar
RHFay
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
 
Posts: 732
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 7:07 pm
Location: Upstate New York
 

 

Postby Bmat » Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:09 pm

The speaker has been attracted by the person, but he realizes that she is interested in material possessions more than he is, and he leaves.

He did well to break it off.

I like your statement, Aldan.
User avatar
Bmat
Super Moderator
Super Moderator
 
Posts: 5798
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 5:31 pm
Location: East coast US
Blog: View Blog (10)
 

 

Postby RHFay » Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:13 pm

At least I know my wife didn't marry me for my money. Ha! What money?

She actually married me for my brain, my talent, and my cooking skills. I guess my looks did help, too! :wink:

Yes, the narrator probably did do the right thing. A real relationship can't really be based on such material things. It should be deeper than that.
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
User avatar
RHFay
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
 
Posts: 732
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 7:07 pm
Location: Upstate New York
 

 

Postby Magus » Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:25 pm

It's pretty good... but it can't hold a stick to a lot of your old stuff (metaphorically or otherwise). It comes off as a tad emo, without the sharpness of a lot of the rest that you've written. But it is entertaining enough, and short enough where it doesn't become too tedious.
User avatar
Magus
Writer Extraordinaire
Writer Extraordinaire
 
Posts: 10536
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 5:34 pm
Location: Illinois
 

 

Postby aldan » Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:55 pm

Thank you, all of y'all, for your response to my poem. This is the first that I've written in quite some time, and it was, indeed, meant to be stating that about the way certain people focus on things that are fleeting, while others are more concerned with things that last, and that those who focus on the physical will be disappointed in what they find years down the line, when the money dries up, the looks have faded, or the fame has.

All too often, when I've given a piece of my heart to someone, encapsulated in meter or rhyme, I've gotten a response of, "That's nice, but where's my present?" Sadly enough, though, I can't seem to find 'my one' that isn't focused in that direction, since I'm not a man focused on a big-money career.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
User avatar
aldan
Artisan Wordsmith
Artisan Wordsmith
 
Posts: 3886
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 11:46 am
Location: Ohio, right now...
 


Return to Theatre of the Mind

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron