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A Requiem

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

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A Requiem

Postby aldan » Wed Mar 12, 2008 1:32 pm

The solemn tap of single snare
Times the steps of honor guard
A bugle blowing Taps out there
Makes stemming tears a wee bit hard

A war-torn town in Middle East
Where soldiers try to stop or stem
The tide of terror, rotten feast,
Extremist religious thoughts to blame

Patrolling troops walk the road
Of the ancient thoroughfare,
Step aside for a passing load
But hard-faced stares do load the air

Then shots ring out from upper floor
Machine guns blast the scene
Strike down troops and even more
The men, women and kids to seem

A carpet of bodies coating the street
While panicked citizens scatter
The soldiers seek out shelter fleet
While bullets windows shatter

A Private sees a frightened child
Frozen midst the bodies dead
And leaves his shelter to the wild
To snatch her from the place of dread

He brings her down behind parked car
Is winged by bullet's shrapnel
Then peeks to see the window far
Where's perched the shooting terrorist fell

He gestures to the girl to stay
Then sprints across the street to hide
And sneak along so that he may
Get along the shooter's side

When he arrives he 'checks his six'
And sees to fill his heart with fear
The girl, like puppy dog that licks
Away the misery and the tears

Then looks above with weary sigh
And pulls the pin of a grenade
The tossed explosive stems the cry
Of automatic shots to fade

The ringing echo of the blast
Is followed then by quiet dear
And from the soldiers then will pass
Relief ringing with cheers real clear

Then he feels the young girl's touch
And looks down at her curious face
But grenade 'ball' she likes so much
Is pinless, smile gone without a trace.

The body sealed in casket dear
Is carried to the dirt's embrace
For he stood up to mortal fear,
Stood and spat into its face

The family cries for fallen son
Unthinking hate for the war
Protecting freedoms with a gun
They feel's not worthwhile anymore.
Last edited by aldan on Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:15 am, edited 3 times in total.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby RHFay » Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:43 am

Very good. Very timely.

One thing, though, "thoroughfares" and "air", "girl" and "whirls", "fear" and "tears", and "dear" and "cheers" seemed to throw it off a little bit. I don't know if they would be "technically" correct rhyme, but they just seem odd to my eye compared to the rest of the rhyme. You may be able to construct the lines so each rhyming is "perfect"(?).

It just looks to me like it should be that way, that's all. It's one of those instinctive things.
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
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Postby Bmat » Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:37 pm

It is a moving poem. I didn't have the same concern about the rhymes.

I did pause at "risen yeast" since yeast bubbles but it doesn't rise, I wouldn't say. It is the flour and yeast mixture that rises, or so it seems to me.

I also don't understand the 3rd stanza from the end- my first reading had it that the child was malicious and blew up the soldier, but perhaps the horror was that the child is playing with the grenade pin that the soldier had discarded?
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Postby aldan » Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:14 am

bmat, you're right about yeast, so I adjusted the line. I'm still looking at the lines about which RH spoke... and was able to fix a few. However, some I haven't come up with a solution to yet.
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Postby Ariel » Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:27 pm

Very touching poem aldan.
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