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Pathfinder

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

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Pathfinder

Postby aldan » Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:44 pm

Traipsing along the faint, thin trail,
A breeze blows through her hair.

Maple tree leaves sing their praise to the sun,
The bright jewel glittering in a sapphire sky.

Sunlight ripples through the shadowed trees,
Quilting the green grass and old, dried leaves.

Rustling comfort crackles as she steps,
Smiling at the singing sparrows.

The setting sun welcomes her home.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby RHFay » Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:35 pm

Beautiful! Like a gentle breeze blowing through a forest glade on a summer afternoon. Like a dainty wildflower growing in the shadow of a stately elm. Like an oriole's song from a poplar's tall crown. Like a pleasant walk in a secluded sylvan vale.

Can you tell I like hikes in the woods?

Anyway, like I said, this is a beautiful piece. You might just want to work on word choice here or there, but nothing other than a minor adjustment. For instance, maybe use crown in the line "Maple tree leaves..." to go along with the next line "The bright jewel..." That might make for an interesting play on words. You could probably cut bright as well. And maybe replace the first "the" with that. Something like this:

Maple crowns sing their praise to the sun,
That glittering jewel in a sapphire sky.


(crown can mean "the head of foliage of a tree or shrub")

Just a suggestion, but I think you could have some interesting word play in there.

Like quilting, I like how you evoke a "patchwork" pattern of light by using the word quilting.
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.
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Postby Ariel » Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:17 pm

Wow aldan! That was just beautiful!!!
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Postby aldan » Tue Apr 22, 2008 10:39 am

Well... it's springtime where I am, and pictures like that come easier to me at that time of the year. I'm pretty happy with the way it came out, myself, though not perfectly so....
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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