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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 10:21 pm
Rushing through streets
Crowded with the crush of humanity.
An eagle drifts,
Then swoops and dives
And climbs again,
A fish clasped in its claw.
A dropped cup tumbles
As passing pedestrians kick it
Along the sidewalk's busy highway.
Bison storm across the prairie,
Startled by howling wolves
Whose eyes glitter in the moonlight
As they circle to cull the herd.
One after another, headlamps light,
Brightening the dimness
And then blurring as they move.
A serpent slithers through brush,
Lit by stars and moon
Which pools about the twitching rodent
As snake scales rasp with a sibilant hiss.
Crowds gather in waves,
Dashing against the cinema stands,
Then feather out after the crashing stops.
Shining trout swim
Between mossy stones, searching
For food to feed their search for food,
And bite at writhing worms, becoming dinner.
Tires grip the road,
Tossing gravel and broken toys
Into traffic, to be crushed again.
A kitten crawls to the curb,
Breath rasping as blood flows
From tread marks on its back.
Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:18 am
seriously though, i read all of your poems and lurved them very much, but this is my favorite. no suggestions to offer, just that they were all muy muy good (especially this one)
Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 10:00 am
Thank you. What did you think of the way I put the poem together for this one(I mean structure)? I was trying something new for me here. I wrote this about a year ago I think.... Maybe it was only 9 months ago.
Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 10:46 am
the structure was great! i'm extremely closed minded and hardy ever like non-rhyming poems (since i'm not talented enough to write them) but this one caught my attention for some reason...i'm glad it did!
Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 3:09 pm
Yeah, nice poem. Human nature. That's what leaves all the junk over an otherwise beautiful country road. Grr ..
Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 4:26 pm
Your poems are good aldan! This one is perhaps my favorite, even though the kitten died in the end.
Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:08 pm
I didn't like having to do it, but I think my point was made more effectively.
Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:33 pm
Death to all kittens!!!
Well... nah. Even I'm not that
Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 12:29 pm
Now this, I like. This is my kind of stuff. This is poetry.
Intense, political, savage, primitive.
As soon as the rhyme is gone it's so much clearer to me. As mentioned, I guess I just need more practice at reading rhyme.
I appreciated the message in this, and well done for having the guts to use the kitten to thrust it at the reader so strongly. They'll make use of it at Unlucky Fried Kitten (or is that KFC?).
More of this please. Write more of this... love it.
Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 12:46 pm
I agree. Just scan the archives of poetry. He's posted quite a few that I think you'll enjoy.
Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:13 am
The thing about poetry for me is that it's a really crafted type of work. That's one of the reasons why I have been using rhyming recently in them, and also why I strive to use the flow of the words to help to create the effect that I am working towards. Also, there is word choice... finding the word whose sound makes the bigger effect. Line length, poem length, they're also used. I first started really writing poetry in College, where I took a short story/poetry composition class. It was there that I first really gained an appreciation for what can be done with it.
This one used several of those options. The number of lines in each stanza changed when flip flopping between the nature scenes and the human scenes, but the last stanza, which should have been a nature scene, was only three lines, like the human ones were, because it was showing the results of the interaction of the two. Also, I don't know if you noticed, but the stanza with the trout said "becoming dinner" at the end, hinting at the worms that were becoming the trout's dinner were actually on a hook, and the trout was to become a human's dinner.
I strove also to make the stanzas feel slightly different from each other, flow-wise, and that I'm not really sure if I accomplished. However, I wanted it close, to make the point more strongly: we NEED to live with/within nature and we need to try to avoid damaging it past the point of it repairing itself. I hope you get the idea...
As for my other poems, many of my early postings are free verse. Look back to 9/25 (That's in September, for those who don't know the American way of short-handing dates) and you'll find a bunch, and then just work your way up toward the top of the list and you'll get all the postings that I've placed here on the Poems area. My firsts were posted on September 25, or at least I think so....
Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 2:03 am
Every writing is, of course, crafted, but I can appreciate the high concentration of detail in a poetic piece, and the many factors you could take into account that you might not when simply writing a story.
Its quite staggering to listen to the depth in which you've thought about the structure of this piece.
I completely noticed that the trout was to become dinner, yes, but I assumed this was the beginning of the crossing over of the human and natural world that ended with the kitten. What I didn't pick upon was your intended message that
we NEED to live with/within nature and we need to try to avoid damaging it past the point of it repairing itself
I simply saw a comparison of beauty and ugliness that demonstrated how the ugly side of man is encroaching on the natural world, slowly killing it - I missed the 'need to live with' part.
Now I'm thinking about it again, I'm wondering if the kitten is the best choice for the ending? It didn't really highlight the human/natural relationship for me, problem being, that the kitten is domesticated stock and signifies the human world more than the natural world. What do you think? For me, it simply increased the message than man was uncaring and destructive, and all in his path shall suffer, it didn't increase the subtlety of your 'need to live with' message.
I shall venture back, and explore some of your earlier work. But first! Breakfast, and scraping the paint from the neighbors stairs and banister! Da-dah!