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The Heights

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

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Postby MainComputer » Tue Nov 29, 2005 2:01 am

Wow. Longest sentence I have ever seen.

That must be a world record!

My worst hike was in the Himalayas, through knee deep snow at 3600. People who don't know about these things really really shouldn't undertake them.

And that includes me.

I set off on my first day of hiking once, without any food. Took the wrong trail and missed all the sherper huts selling food and drinks. By late afternoon I'd acceded to thin air, my blood-sugar was thinning and I was exhausted. Thankfully, I found a forgotten pack of gum in my pocket, and shoved the lot in my mouth at once. Then I looked at the packet - sugar free!

I had to take a 45 min sleep by the side of the trail, to recoup and clear my dizzy head before venturing on.

Lesson learnt.
---------------------------------
Be brave - hurt me.
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Postby Bmat » Tue Nov 29, 2005 8:48 am

I don't like to review poetry, because a poem is so personal to the artist and the impact on the reader is subjective.

Having said this, I'll make a comment anyway.

The picture that you have painted is vivid. I like the poem.

There is a place that I read through a couple times and still have the same feeling that it doesn't quite fit- (see, I told you it was subjective.)

"The food and the clothes
The drink in my pack
The weight pushes down
On my exhausted back "

The word "exhausted" seems to break the rhythm, since we say ex HAUST ed. I might suggest a different wording- an idea would be

On my overtired back, or, On my overworked back..... something that throws the downbeat onto the first syllable of the word after "On my" instead of the second.
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Postby aldan » Tue Nov 29, 2005 1:48 pm

Ah, thank you for that, Bmat! I have been struggling to come up with a better word to use, as I mentally had put the emphasis on the first syllable, but knew others might not. 'Overworked' is closer to what I have been searching for, though not exactly fitting the idea of exhaustion I was trying to get across. I may have to just rewrite the line to get it to work... *shrugs* Perfectionism. What can one do??

When I'd done my first major revision of this poem, I was able to improve the scheme and overall feel of it, I felt, though there were still spots in which it still limped a bit. That was one of them, and I'm glad you mentioned it, so that I'd know that it was one that I should focus on a bit more.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby aldan » Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:17 pm

Well, I came up with an idea for how to replace 'exhausted' and yet keep the idea there... use 'tired'. It visually shortens the line, but the two syllable word moves the stress to where it needs to be. I was looking with some microscopic lenses at the poem and noticed that I'd used that word 'exhaust' with different endings on it twice in the poem, and since the second one was after the one I changed here, I decided that I could use the second, later one to get the idea across, while giving the first use over to a less extreme word, by which I'd give the idea that the character is growing more and more tired as the hike goes on.
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to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby Believer » Mon Mar 19, 2007 10:12 am

I do apologize for being so late, but very nicely done Aldan, I particularly like the edited version better
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce-
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