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Treachery

Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 11:43 pm
by aldan
Weapons flash in mute salute
To passing casket bathed in blood….

His honor bade him leave his home
To fight the treachers’ evil plan
This captain led, the foe all fled,
He hoped the fighting soon would end,
But in the field of battle there,
A truce was called and healers trod,
Them calling out unto their god,
They healed and blessed and prayed
For those who died and those who stayed,
So when they rose they would remain
Their god’s own squad to fight for right,

But in the meet of truce a knell
Of death was struck on leader’s bell.
The captain dead, th’ evil swords red,
But when the day was done
‘Twas rebels’ blood that did all run,
The pools reflecting in the sun,
As vengeful victors marched atop
The bodies of the now-dead mob
Of men and boys, women, babes,
The cracking bones sound out
As marching steps and swords
Do flash and thud in mute salute
To wife and child of leader slain
While sodden boots absorb the stain
Of mingled blood and horrid pain.

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 2:17 pm
by Benjaru
This one was very..intense. Not quite the word I wanted, but close.

I liked it.

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:57 am
by Magus
I agree with Banjaru. It really does paint a distinct picture of pain and hopelessness... the horrors of war.

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:27 am
by aldan
Thank you. I was really working for a mixed response on this, because for those who just read it, they won't necessarily understand that the "bad guys" are the ones that the Captain worked for, as well as the treacherous rebels. Vengeance is understandable, but not against non-warriors, IMO.

By the way, it's been suggested that I try this one as an epic piece. I've never tried one before, so it looks like a challenge to me... but it'll be some time before I can begin working on it, due to my novel and also due to real life...

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 1:48 pm
by Magus
I think that this would work well as an epic-poem. It has enough scope to expand upon into a larger work of poetry.

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:40 pm
by Benjaru
Go for it! I think it would work very nicely.

It certainly feels like there is a lot more there than meets the eye.
I've tried to write some epic poetry myself, but it never seems to turn out feeling... Epic.

Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 1:03 pm
by Ariel
I really liked this one aldan! yes, it would work nicely as an epic poem.

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:09 pm
by Tremayne
I agree with others about this feeling like part of something larger. Did you have a sense of it being a piece of something larger when you wrote it, Aldan? Or did it just "come to you" without any larger context revealing itself?

Elsewhere you mention that you need a character to sustain it beyond the captain's death. I've got a couple of suggestions. This feels like the end of the story to me. Why not back up and flesh out the circumstances that led up to this battle and the captain's death. Or you could have a narrator (maybe among refuges) telling of these events for some purpose, whether to rouse others to action or to cool their jets. Maybe some young person is trying to decide whether to join a battle. Or maybe some older person is reviewing earlier events in his life trying to decide whether to get involved again. Can't wait to see what you come up with!

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:38 pm
by aldan
Thanks for those suggestions, Tremayne! As for my ideas as I wrote it, well, I like to create stories that don't necessarily start when I start writing or end when I finish the book. I wanted to create a poem that would do something similar - have a lot of involved background that is barely delved into. I've found that stories, at least, that do that tend to hold my attention much longer, even after the last page has been read, because I then try to figure out what the author was doing and why this or that character did what he/she did and all of that.