The Choosing

[ROOG]

Hi all! This is my first post here, criticism welcome.

On the eve of the choosing the tribe of Hazzar held a big party. Everyone was in high spirits. Everyone, that was, except for me, Zanji the virgin, second daughter of Kul’ud.

For I was too anxious to celebrate. I watched them sing and dance and laugh from my favourite spot, high up in the Onc tree. Brooding over the prospect of being snatched away by the gods, to join them in their glorious kingdom. To leave home for good.

I could see Ma looking for me amongst the crowd, it wouldn’t take her long to figure out where I was. She knew I always came here when I was worried or upset. The tree was my special place, my little hideaway.

Just then there was a brilliant flash from above, saturating the scene before me in vermilion light. I looked up into the night sky to see a display of such beauty, even the garden’s beasts would have stopped their foraging to watch in awe. This magnificent manipulation of nature could only be the work of the gods. The party cheered in appreciation of the positive sign.

Shortly after the display had ended Ma found me.

“Zanji! What are you doing up there? As I’ve told you countless times, up a tree is no place for a girl. Come down now! This party is for you.”

I climbed down the tree, there was no use in arguing.

“Ma, I’m worried I might be chosen tomorrow,” I said once down.

Ma put her arm around me and said, “there is no need to be worried Zanji. It is an honour to be chosen to join the gods in their kingdom. You should be excited, not worried.”

“But I don’t want to leave you and Pa and everyone. I like it here with the tribe.”

“Zanji, you disrespect the gods by saying such things. You’d be far happier in their kingdom. Now come.”

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I woke early the next morning, and so decided to help out with clearing the remnants of the party. Once up, I noticed that Jamm'ar, a quiet boy who also qualified for the choosing, was among the few who were already up and tidying.

I wondered over to him.

“Hi Jamm'ar, are you excited about tonight?”

Jamm'ar looked up from the bowls he was collecting.

“Er, yes,” he said, “are you?”

“I’m a little anxious to tell the truth,” I said.

My heart surprised me then, when Jamm'ar’s big blue eyes met mine for a instant, before quickly resuming their usual averted gaze. For that one brief moment we seemed… connected.

“Me too,” Jamm'ar said, in a quiet, delicate voice as he turned his attention to collecting bowls again.

“You are?” I said, rather less delicately.

“I don’t want to leave,” he said, “this is my home.”

“Me too,” I said, and we both continued working together in silence.

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That afternoon my older sister found me skimming pebbles off the Azure lake from the water’s edge. She was smiling at me with those wide lips of hers. Her long, perfectly straight brown hair was down, partially covering her bare breasts, and she wore a skirt of slender white Drakoona leaves. She looked beautiful, as always.

She joined me in pebble skimming.

“I know you must be nervous about tonight,” she said, “I was when it was my time.”

“But they didn’t choose you,” I said.

“But they might have. So I know how you feel… Anyway they might not choose you either.”

“What if they do?”

Sis skimmed one more pebble before turning to face me.

“I have something for you,” she said, “turn around.”

I did, and she tied something loosely around my neck. I looked down to my chest, it was a pendant necklace. The pendant was a small precious stone, with an intricate pattern on its smooth, polished surface.

“Wow! It’s beautiful!” I said.

“This is to remind you of home before we are all re-united in the gods’ kingdom.”

We embraced then, I held her tight, never wanting to let go.

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As the time grew nearer I was getting more and more nervous. I’d not eaten all day, but despite this I had managed to be sick twice. Right now, in the bushes, I was trying to be sick again. Between fruitless retches I heard a small voice from behind asking if I was okay. It was Jamm’ar. After the sickness had subsided a little, I went to him, and to my surprise he took my hand. I’d never held a boy’s hand before, and I don’t know whether it was because of the anxiety I was feeling prior to that moment, but holding his hand felt more comforting and right than I ever expected it to. So together, hand-in-hand, we walked back to the ceremony of the choosing, which was about to begin.

Everyone was gathered around the kingdom gate, a large circular platform raised two foot from the ground, made of mysterious smooth, hard stuff that was neither wood nor stone. Around the rim of the platform strange markings were carved, markings that no human from the garden could read, though, I’d been told, many had tried.

Jamm'ar and I took our places in the inner most ring surrounding the gate, along with the other eleven children, ready for the choosing. There was an excited buzz in the air, the adults were chanting. After a short while though, the high priest commanded “Quiet!” and a hushed silence enveloped the proceedings. The tension grew.

Darkness fell.

Suddenly there was a flash of blinding light! My eyes recovered, I saw three looming, indistinct figures on the platform. Angels! One of them held a hand out to the girl opposite, another took Jamm'ar’s hand, and the third reached for me!

No!

My heart pounding, I took the angel’s hand and stepped up on the platform. Jamm'ar and the girl were doing the same.

The garden blinked out of existence. It was gone.

Forever.

[Bmat]

Welcome to Speculative Vision, ROOG!

You have done a pleasing nice job of establishing a feeling of tension in your story and of hooking the reader. The girl is a believeable character. The ending was pleasantly creepy the way it is worded, that the garden was gone forever. We are left wondering what happened and speculating about the strange beings.

The spelling you want a couple times is "excited," btw.

Nice work!

[ROOG]

Welcome to Speculative Vision, ROOG!

You have done a pleasing nice job of establishing a feeling of tension in your story and of hooking the reader. The girl is a believeable character. The ending was pleasantly creepy the way it is worded, that the garden was gone forever. We are left wondering what happened and speculating about the strange beings.

The spelling you want a couple times is "excited," btw.

Nice work!

Thanks for the warm welcome and kind words Bmat! I'm glad the hook worked. I'm quite proud of this one, I feel there are nice moments of tenderness, and as you say, disturbing questions raised as to what happens to the girl, and the identity of the "gods", a powerful force the innocent tribes people are maybe duped by (I did an extensive "world creation" with detailed history to this universe before writing it. 95% of the world is left unexplained in "the choosing". I might revisit it later).

Ah yes, "exited" instead of "excited", damn! that one got past me. I shall now correct.

[spknoevl]

You've done a nice job of establishing your main character and her feelings. I just have a few quibbles: In the first section, the sudden appearance of the lights in the sky seems somewhat out of place. It appears for one brief paragraph before you return to the girl in the tree and her mother seeking her. Although you comment on the beauty of the lights, none of the characters seem to treat it as anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps instead of introducing it with the word suddenly, you could have the characters pause to admire it. It would make it seem less intrusive and make it blend into the rest of the story better while still allowing you to describe the beauty of them and explain that it was the work of the gods.
My other quibble would be that I think you need to flesh out each of your story sections a little more. While they do a good job of introducing your main character and showing her fear about the upcoming ceremony, they are all too brief and don't seem to develop quite as much as they could.
Overall I think you have an interesting storyline, a character that readers can identify with and a good writing style. Keep up the good work and keep posting.

[ROOG]

You've done a nice job of establishing your main character and her feelings. I just have a few quibbles: In the first section, the sudden appearance of the lights in the sky seems somewhat out of place. It appears for one brief paragraph before you return to the girl in the tree and her mother seeking her. Although you comment on the beauty of the lights, none of the characters seem to treat it as anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps instead of introducing it with the word suddenly, you could have the characters pause to admire it. It would make it seem less intrusive and make it blend into the rest of the story better while still allowing you to describe the beauty of them and explain that it was the work of the gods.
My other quibble would be that I think you need to flesh out each of your story sections a little more. While they do a good job of introducing your main character and showing her fear about the upcoming ceremony, they are all too brief and don't seem to develop quite as much as they could.
Overall I think you have an interesting storyline, a character that readers can identify with and a good writing style. Keep up the good work and keep posting.

Hi spknoevl! Thanks for your constructive criticism! And I totally agree with you, these are things that were niggling at me a bit. Yeah, I did think the “sky display” scene needed work, it doesn‘t fit quite right. As you say, it seems to happen suddenly as if they were not expecting it, as if it is a one-off event, which is not the case - the “choosing” has gone on for generations. This shows the roughness of this rapidly written piece of flash fiction. I also agree that the scenes need fleshing-out.

Thanks again! Your comments are very much appreciated!

[waytanblee]

Your work is very concise. This is no problem, It reads very well and there is no confusion throughout, however If you wished to add more that would be welcomed also.

I was spooked by the show of vermillion lights that was "the Gods," it reminded me of He who walks behind the rows from the children of the corn movie, and how they accepted and praised his presence. Is there a synister twist to the gods involvement? If so, the way it is written now is effective.

The way I enterpreted it may be a one off, not everyone is bound to see it the way I did.

Welcome to SV, ROOG!

[ROOG]

Your work is very concise. This is no problem, It reads very well and there is no confusion throughout, however If you wished to add more that would be welcomed also.

I was spooked by the show of vermillion lights that was "the Gods," it reminded me of He who walks behind the rows from the children of the corn movie, and how they accepted and praised his presence. Is there a synister twist to the gods involvement? If so, the way it is written now is effective.

The way I enterpreted it may be a one off, not everyone is bound to see it the way I did.

Welcome to SV, ROOG!

Thanks for the comments and welcome waytanblee!

There may be a sinister twist (I wanted to suggest there was), but I wanted it to be left open to interpretation and speculation... for the time being! I may post another tale about the garden and the gods some time... so the garden may not be "gone forever" after all!

Thanks again.

[Ariel]

Wonderful imagination! Great story! I was hooked!