WARNING PG 13--The Funniest Thing I've Ever Read

by **Levanah** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 10:06 am

WAXING

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the
wax out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of
Those old wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
Strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel
them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes
right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly
girl; I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh
how this phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I
can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all
wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini
line, covering the right half of my v-g-n- and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
Of the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is
swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???

OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip
with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I
hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair.
WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair.. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. Crap I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot
Is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So
I put my foot down.

Noo!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n-?? Sealed shut.

Butt?? Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax
covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off
right???

WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub.

In scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that
convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call
my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of
how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are
stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She
doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from
me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on my bottom "Are
we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into
glazed donut land.

My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my
friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......................
ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour......