Genesis Chapter 1

[Jip]

Looking forward to contributing to the boards here, looks like a helpful place!

This is the first chapter of a novel I am working on (about 105,000 words into and only halfway) and just wondering if I could please get a critique? It's only a first draft, so please excuse spelling mistakes and the like.

Also, apologies for the length.

There's also a little foul language, so beware!

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Chapter One
The Boeing shuttle ferociously rattled and shook as it made its entry into the lower atmosphere. The reinforced nose of the shuttle glowed warmly throughout the decent, like a beacon cutting through the inky blackness of the night.
Raph Korben twisted his wrists that were bound in Mag-Cuffs. The steel hoops, firmly fastened around each wrist were held together through the opposite polarization of magnets. A simple, yet effective, means of temporary restriction of movement.

Raph shot a side-long glance out of the port hole next to his seat. Sprawled out as far as he could see were lights of all different colours. Even from fifteen-thousand feet, the differences had already set in. He had left behind the sterility and blandness of New Atlantis. Left behind made it sound like he had a choice. The reality was far worse.

As the craft descended, Raph could hear the pilots establishing communications with Sydney Ground Control. Approval was passed to land as scheduled at Lower Sydney Docking Facility, Berth 149.

The lights came up to meet the craft and Raph was astounded to see that these were actually buildings - massive monoliths that reached kilometers into the sky. His eyes followed the structure down, trying to find the base, but it disappeared into a perpetual layer of smog.

There wasn’t just one building like this. All around him these massive structures loomed. The shuttle continued its descent and let the Sydney cityscape consume it like the maw of a giant creature.

Raph’s view was obscured by a cloud of white, then grey, and finally a dark brown as the shuttle penetrated the smog.
If Raph had a sense of wonder and amazement before, dazzled by the lights and well-planned cityscape, then all hope had now vanished.

“This is how the other half live,” one of the guards sniggered, though Raph failed to see the funny side.
There were lights, neon and tacky, and even from this height Raph could make out the glow of fires. Some looked controlled, like a cluster of tiny dots warming themselves around a central point. Others, like one down by the harbour, engulfed four of five warehouses and didn’t look like abating any time soon.

There were none of the parks, or architecturally modern skyscrapers of Upper Sydney. Below the smog was largely neglected. An ugly underbelly of a massive city, fittingly concealed from the real city above the divider.

A large circle of lights below marked out the Lower Sydney Docking Facility. Unlike the purpose built facilities Raph had seen elsewhere, this was simply an old airport with a few crude additions.

The shuttle landed smoothly on the tarmac and taxied to its berthing gate. A hive of activity started below as fuel Levi-Trucks and men rushed to connect the hoses to the fuel ports.

“Ride ends here,” one of the guards said, hoisting Raph out of his seat by the collar of his business shirt. He was manhandled towards the exit of the shuttle and marched through the gate, flanked by eight armed guards.

The Sergeant in charge stepped forward. His name bar read ‘Dokic’ but he looked Asian. Not that names usually matched their origins anyway. “Korben, this is it for you. You are officially exiled from New Atlantis. Any ties or obligations once held to Genesis are hereby considered forfeited. Any rank or privileges once held in connection with Genesis are similarly forfeited. Am I clear so far?”

“Crystal,” Raph muttered.

“As a token of goodwill,” Dokic continued, “you have been credited the sum of one-hundred Australasian Dollars to spend how you please.”

“How generous, for what… fifteen years service?”

The Sergeant ignored him. “Your Mag-Cuffs will deactivate once the shuttle is clear of Sydney airspace. Your ID card, Cred-Chip and official documents are all included in here.” He handed Raph a thick envelope. One of the other guards brought forward a metal suitcase and placed it next to Raph.

“Can you confirm this is all the luggage you have?” the guard asked.

“No,” Raph said. “I’m expecting a full lounge suite and refrigerator, too.”

The guard muttered something about a smart arse and fell back into line.

“Raphael Riley Korben,” the Sergeant said authoritatively. “Your employment with Genesis is now terminated as per ruling four-oh-two-four of the New Atlantis judicial system. Is there anything you would like to state on the record?”

“Apart from the hundreds of non-guilty testimonies I’ve already given over the past year of the trial? No, I think I’m pretty much done.”

“Very well,” Dokic said. “Best of luck. If you ever come back to New Atlantis you will be shot on sight.”

“Go on, get out of here,” Raph said, waving them away. “You know I hate mushy goodbyes.”

The Sergeant spun on his heel and with crisp military precision, and marched through the lobby and down the hall, back towards the shuttle, flanked by the other soldiers.

Twenty minutes later, Raph watched as the shuttle disappeared into the night from the viewing lounge.

He felt his arms finally fall to his sides as the Mag-Cuffs released and fell to the ground. He rubbed his wrists absently and touched his thumb and forefinger. His DermWatch told him it was just past midnight. He would just snooze in the foyer here until morning and then have a look for somewhere to stay. And hopefully get some indication of what the *beep* he was supposed to do now.

---

A soft prodding into his side woke him in what he supposed was morning. He was slumped in one of the chairs on the viewing platform, his legs wrapped protectively around his suitcase.

He blearily opened his eyes and saw the end of a metal pole jabbing him in the side of his torso. On the other end was a small Asian lady in blue overalls, holding the mop head with a stern look. “You wake! Must leave now! You not stay here,” she shouted at him, her pencil-thin eyebrows dipped in anger.

“Alright, alright,” Raph said, pushing the mop end away from him, lest an eye gets taken out.

He shakily stood and moved to the side while the mop-wielding Asian signaled her crack squad of savvy-motivated cleaners to begin vacuuming, polishing, scrubbing, and tidying the area. Raph couldn’t imagine why people were still occupying jobs that robots could easily do. In fact, menial jobs like these were done by robots in New Atlantis. But I’m not in New Atlantis, Raph kept telling himself. What was that old saying from the VidChip? We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto. He didn’t know what Kansas was like since the disintegration of the US, but he felt he shared the little girl’s sentiments.

His DermWatch told him that he had only had a few hours sleep, but for Raph, that was plenty. With the help of a few legally bought boosters, he could stay up for days at a time.

The myriad of shops and cafés in the Docking Facility were just coming to life for the day’s trade. Most of the shops sold dodgy ‘authentic’ souvenirs and small scale models of the shuttles that operated out of there.

Raph’s rumbling stomach reminded him that he had not eaten in at least a day and a half. The in-flight hospitality on the Genesis shuttle was less than accommodating. The fact that he only had one-hundred Australasian Dollars caused him to reconsider and try to hold out a bit longer.

Following countless signs that guided him down long, wide corridors, Raph finally emerged from the docking facility and into the… was it night? His DermWatch told him it was morning now, but the streetlights were on, Levi-Cars had their guide-lights on and all the shadows were thick and heavy.

He searched the sky. The building reached up and disappeared into a dense, opaque haze that was as black as soot. Maybe the sun rose late in this part of the world. How would he know? All the sunrises and sunsets that he had ever seen were artificially generated by New Atlantis, so the residents didn’t experience the strange Antarctic seasons and could still retain their sense of day and night.

People entering and leaving the Docking Facility rudely pushed past him, in a rush to catch flights, or Levi-Cabs, or simply because everyone else was. Raph’s best bet was to find somewhere to stay, preferably cheap and find some way to generate enough cash to viably sustain himself, which could be difficult considering his last career choice was rather specialised.

He decided that the best course of action would be to head towards where the lights were brightest. The fact was that he was surrounded by bright lights, but they were especially clustered off to his left. He began to head that way, his head down and one hand in his pocket while his other hand tightly held his suitcase. He felt as if every set of eyes were on him. It was like they knew he wasn’t from around here, like he was an outsider. Well, he was, but there was no reason for anyone to suspect anything. Aside from his accent, he was just the same as anyone else here. His attire was that of a business shirt and pair of slacks. Days ago, both were cleanly pressed, but now were dirty and creased. When they got him in New Atlantis, he wasn’t given time to change. Once the verdict was passed, they put him on the shuttle and immediately shipped him off to Sydney, never to return again.

He didn’t want to think of the consequence if the verdict hadn’t have gone in his favour.

No, there was something else that set him apart. Maybe it was his military-style haircut - the Genesis standard. Every grunt on Genesis’s MilWing has one. It was the easiest way to identify a fellow SECO. Short back and sides with a flat top. It was the only Raph had ever had.

If it wasn’t the hair than perhaps it was the way he carried himself. His posture, his stance, the way he walked had all been drilled into him since his recruitment as a boy. He was constantly corrected for the way he sat, the way he stood and it felt like he was even being corrected when having a *beep*. Correction could range from anything from a gentle, verbal reminder to something a bit more… physical.

Whatever it was, Raph was doing his best to look as ‘normal’ and ordinary as possible.

With his surroundings appearing as night, the businesses he passed seemed to reflect this. 24 hour strip joints, brothels, supermarkets, nightclubs, bars, money-lenders, tattoo parlours… everything was open all day, every day. This was literally the city that never sleeps.

Spruikers and doormen rushed out from their positions to surround him and try to coax him into their club. “Come in my man, come in! We have plenty of girls! You want a good time? You don’t have to watch, you can join in! Come in, pleasure guaranteed!” one said, trying to slow him down by walking backwards in front of him.

“You like fine Asians, huh?” Another asked, to Raph’s side. “Man, we got some hot-ass Asians inside. These bitches’ll do anything, man. They’ll suck you, then *beep* you, then suck you again, man. You want two girls? Man, we got you there. Three or four? Got you covered, man!”

Raph kept his head lowered, shaking it and politely refusing. The spruikers eventually got the point and moved on to harass the next person. He was thankful to be left alone.

The line of seedy establishments continued as he got closer to the CBD where the lights were. Soon, it wasn’t doormen or spruikers trying to get his business, it was the girls themselves, asking if he wanted a lady for the night or if he wanted some company. Raph blushed and refused each one. He never thought himself as a pride, but prostitution was a very subtle, unheard of operation down in New Atlantis. There was no doubt it existed, it just wasn’t readily known. He had certainly never been blatantly faced with it before.

The ladies eventually tapered off, realising they wouldn’t make a buck out of this one. To tell the truth, Raph thought he probably would have gone with one of them if he had the money. It had been sometime since he had been with anyone. Now that he thought about it, his last was his ex-wife and that was over three years ago now.

He pushed those tempting thoughts to the back of his mind and focused himself on the here and now. The streets didn’t seem safe enough to live on. He needed a roof over his head, or at least somewhere safe enough to bunk down for the night.
The stream of people around him thickened and he supposed he was nearing the CBD. There even seemed to be more cars here, both levitation and the more traditional wheeled version. The seedy clubs and pubs gave way to nightclubs and shops. This seemed to be the better part of a seedy underbelly. Above him were the lights - the beacons that he saw from afar and which guided him here. He felt some sense of small accomplishment.

Looking around him, he could see that the only accommodation was hotel chains that were almost certainly out of his price range. Most of these rooms came complete with ServeBots and by request you could get PleasureBots sent to your room as well. Or so he had heard, anyway.

Raph checked all the hotels in the main street. He could barely afford a single night, let alone a temporary stay. By the time he had finished checking, it was mid-afternoon and he felt absolutely famished. He decided he needed something eat and drew out his CredChip. He tapped the green circle on it and the screen illuminated showing him he had $100. At least Genesis came through with that.

He walked around for a while before he found a small Chinese shop. He purchased a bowl of boiled rice. The portion was large and he found he couldn’t eat it all. Feeling full and content, he now had to find somewhere to stay and get a good night’s rest.

Having no luck on the main streets, he decided - against his better judgement - to check the side streets. The businesses were more of the same, although many of the premises were abandoned, their huge sliding doors bolted tight, covered in graffiti and tags.

He was close to giving up for the night. Although he hadn’t seen any, there had to be a park or something where he could sleep on a bench, or under a tree, or even behind a bush. It wasn’t the safest option. In fact he thought he’d probably be giving an invitation to be mugged - or worse. He was a victim of choice - or lack thereof.

Raph began a potentially long trek away from the CBD. Everywhere he looked became a possible place to spend the night, although none were really suitable. They were not covered, too obvious, too dangerous or with no where to hide. Each place had something wrong with it.

Up ahead he saw a shop with a light on. Raph decided that ti was time to ask for help. He needed to know where he was and if there was anything nearby where he could stay.

Raph couldn’t make out what kind of shop it was. There were no signs or obvious indications of what it sold. Actually, Raph wasn’t entirely sure that it was a shop. It almost looked like a house, but he could see that the front door was held open by half a brick.

His interest piqued, he picked up the pace of his walk and finally entered the shop.

The air was cool and fresh, in contrast to the thick, moist air outside. The shop wasn’t actually a shop at all, but a foyer of sorts. There was a chipped desk with paint flaking off from years of neglect. The waiting area consisted of two mismatched dining chairs, neither of which looked very comfortable or even safe for that matter.

Behind the counter dozed a younger man of early twenties, though his beard made him look older He was leaning back in his chair, his hands clasped behind his head and he was snoring softly.

Raph cleared his throat to try… and get his attention but he didn’t stir. Raph tried again but still nothing. He deliberately dropped his suitcase on the ground. A large thud resounded around the sparsely furnished foyer and the young man snapped awake and looked around in alarm. “Huh? What?”

Raph cleared his throat again, and young man’s eyes finally settled on him. “Oh… hi there! I… I must have dozed off there for a bit.” He made to shuffle around some papers on his desk and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Uh… How are you? How can I help?”

“I was wondering about the cost of rooms for the night,” Raph said. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

“What? No trouble at all. Uh, let’s see,” he said, grabbing a list from in front of him. “We’ve got a few rooms left… forty a night. Is it just you?”

Forty dollars was a little more than he was looking to spend, but it was the cheapest he had found so far. “Yeah, I’m alone. Look, you wouldn’t have anything a bit cheaper would you?”

“Cheaper?” He shook his head looking at the list. “Nah, dude. Nothing cheaper.”

“Ah,” Raph said. “The thing is, I’m from out of town and I only have just shy of a hundred bucks, but all I’m really looking for is somewhere relatively safe with a roof over my head. I don’t need DigiTel or any of that *beep*. Just shelter.”

“Wow, some holiday,” the young guy muttered. “I might be able to help you out here. We have a few rooms that are under… renovations. They’re unfurnished, but if you don’t mind roughing it, I can throw in an old mattress on the ground. I can give it to you for, say, ten bucks a night? I mean, you’ll have to use the shared bathroom for that level and stuff, though.”

“That’s perfect,” Raph said. “Do you want to clear it with your manager or something? I don’t want to get you in the *beep*.”

“Oh, I won’t get in the *beep*… I am the manager of this fine establishment. So you’ll take the room? Great!”

He got up from behind his desk and went over to the front door. He kicked the brick out of the way and the door swung shut with a small click. Raph thought it strange that he didn’t have any staff, but then judging by the business of the place, they probably didn’t need it.

“Let’s go,” the man said, as he carried Raph’s suitcase and headed up the stairs.

“You don’t want me to fill out anything? Like a guest register or something?”

“Seriously dude, I don’t ask questions so I don’t get involved. This isn’t exactly the Ritz in case you haven’t noticed.”

Raph had noticed. As they went up the stairs, he saw that the foyer was one of the better kept parts of the building. The building was in disrepair. There was graffiti on the walls. Other walls had strips of paint missing while some were even eroding on the corners. Every so often there would be a gaping hole in the plaster, like something had gone through it. Or someone.

The building had three floors above the foyer and Raph’s room was on the very top one. “This is you,” the man said and unlocked the room.

Immediately the smell hit him. It was stuffy and mouldy. This room hadn’t been used in some time, Raph guessed. He turned the light on and one lonely, naked bulb spluttered to life. Five or six small furry rodents darted into hiding places. “Wait here, dude. I’ll get you a mattress,” the guy said.

Raph wandered into the room. It was basically a small square room with a wide window looking onto an alley. There was a thick layer of dust on the ground that collected itself into small clumps as Raph paced across the room. He crossed to the window and with a mighty heave, wrenched it open. The sounds of the Lower Sydney night greeted him. Far off thumping, rhythmic music; the electric buzz of Levi-Cars and the roar of engines of the older, wheeled cars. Glass smashing somewhere and screams from somewhere else. An urban cacophony in D minor.

Behind him, the young guy dragged in a mattress and dumped it on the floor. It smelled worse than the room and carried a collection of stains like a well decorated war veteran. “There you go. It’s not much, but it’s a roof and it’s relatively safe. Relative to out there anyway,” he said, jerking a thumb towards the window.

“It’s fine,” Raph said. Lucky he was only paying ten bucks a night. “Just out of interest, when did you start renovations?”

“Uh, about three years ago, but it’s just finding the money. You know how it is?”

“Yeah,” Raph said.

“Well, if you need anything just come down and see me,” he said. “Name’s Sammael, but I prefer just plain old Sam.”

“Raph.”

“Like the painter, Raphael?”

“Yeah, like the painter.”

“Nice. Holler if you need me.”

“I will.”

Sam shut the door behind him and Raph got undressed and showered down the hall.

Feeling clean and fed, he laid down on the mattress and in moments he had fallen into a long, deep, solid sleep.

[nightlock]

Hey, welcome to the site.

I really enjoyed reading what you wrote here. Not only did it draw me in quickly but the universe you've created sounds interesting. I do have a few remarks though.


I am not sure you censored because of the forum or if it will stay in your book but reading *beep* where any kind of curse was expected is jarring and janks me right out of the flow of the story. Instead of drawing me into your universe and to Raph, it makes me feel I am watching it through a window while some-one is holding a finger over a button to buzz away anyone could find offensive.

When you mentioned the Australasian dollar and the Asian looking Dokic, you were suggesting an open multi-cultural society, the stereotypical asian cleaning woman with broken english does the exact opposite. It's a stereotype that is on it's way out even now, so why would it persist into the future?

According to the Oxford dictionary, savvy means understanding. In that context I do not know what savvy-motivated is. Did you mean semi-motivated?

Lastly, you mentioned CBD a few times, but I could not find what those letters are supposed to stand for. I might have read over it though, but even if I did you might want to pull some more attention to to prevent other readers from making the same mistake. It's the kind of thing that can pull you out of a story while your mind tries to figure out the letters.


That is all. Hope it helps, good luck with the rest of the book.

[Jip]

Hi nightlock,

Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to respond with a critique, it's much appreciated.

I can only assume that the forum actually automatically censors swearing, as I definitely left it in there! I believe it adds to the story, but then I guess with a site open to all ages, the censorship is understandable.

The context of a multi-cultural society is true, however I didn't believe it was stereotypical as such. To me, the character is Asian, so why would it be less offensive if the character was Polish or from Uzbekistan?

I think you're right about savvy. I know what it means, but I've also heard the term 'savvy-motivated' before too. I should revise that, I guess.

CBD might just be prevelent here in Australia. It means Central Business District, which usually refers to the main, built up area of the city. Not sure what it would be referred to elsewhere in the world!

Once again, thanks for your comments, they are very much appreciated!

[nightlock]

I can only assume that the forum actually automatically censors swearing, as I definitely left it in there! I believe it adds to the story, but then I guess with a site open to all ages, the censorship is understandable.

True enough.

The context of a multi-cultural society is true, however I didn't believe it was stereotypical as such. To me, the character is Asian, so why would it be less offensive if the character was Polish or from Uzbekistan?

To me, it isn't so much the job as the accent that did it.

I think you're right about savvy. I know what it means, but I've also heard the term 'savvy-motivated' before too. I should revise that, I guess.

CBD might just be prevelent here in Australia. It means Central Business District, which usually refers to the main, built up area of the city. Not sure what it would be referred to elsewhere in the world!

In Dutch, we call it 'het centrum' meaning literally 'the centre'. If you only plan to release it in Australia, it shouldn't be a problem, if you go international however, you might need to check for cultural assumptions.

Otherwise, top job. Keep up the good work

[Jip]

Thanks again,

I've been looking at Australia Literary Agents and Publishers, and there are very few that deal with the Spec Fic genre, or even are accepting submissions at the moment, so I might have to make some changes. Although it's set in Sydney, with a bit of tweaking it could be anywhere. It's something I'll definitely have to look at if I hope to go with an internation agent/publisher.

[SerinitysChild]

In reference to CBD, it only took me a minute or two to figure it out, but in the states, we call it either down town or up town, depending on your point of view. Now that I've read the first chapter, I'm curious as to why he got booted out of Atlantis.
Good story so far.