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lonely's end

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lonely's end

Postby berry » Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:35 pm

I wanted to try out writing a really short story as though it was a childrens fairy tale. It came out a bit more like a poem which came with a whole different set of difficulties so any crit would be greatly appreciated but I would like to know if there is any part that just doesn't work.

Lonely's end

Lonely sits huddled, at the top of the bed
Images of midnight filling his head.
There were things outside
Things in the dark
Things he was sure, could hear his beating heart

They’re coming for me,
They’re trying to get in
The door, the green door
Where the night slips in.

Behind the green door, they slouched and shuffled
On the bed, Lonely sits and mutters
There are things outside
Things in the dark
If they get in, they’ll steal my heart.

We’re coming for you,
We’re going to get in,
When the green door breaks
When the night slips in.

The door starts to crack, the door starts to wobble
Lonely clenches his fists, he knows he’s in trouble
The night breaks through, it snuffs out the light
The things see their chance, they slide in with the night.

Lonely sits lifeless at the top of the bed
His eyes are now empty just like his head
The things outside
The things in the dark
They sing and they dance while they eat his beating heart.
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
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Re: lonely's end

Postby pixibubbles » Wed Oct 19, 2011 6:28 pm

Well I know I'm about the newest of the new but..

i'm wishing i hadn't read that right now in the early hours of the morn, in the dark and alone. Somehow I suspect that sleep won't be coming soon. It's really sent the shivers acrawling. Please don't read this to kids lol

On the critical side: Last line first verse: Not sure why but the rhythm isn't really working for me here, and not liking the first two lines of the third- maybe because they are in the past rather than present that and future that makes this so creepy? It just jars a little- but I'm a terrible stickler for beat lol

other than that= kinda creepy in a good way. Somehow makes me think of depression- the metaphorical thing that eats you apart rather than the physical?

Am off to check lock on my non-green door now.
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Re: lonely's end

Postby nightlock » Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:12 am

Hey. Sorry it took me so long to respond, been busy.

SV does have a poem section you might want to visit and post this once you are happy with it.

Unlike pixi I read this on a early Monday morning so had none of the shivers but I too wonder whether this ending isn't a bit too morbid for a children's rhyming story. While most of the piece does have a nice kid's book kind of rhythm to it, there a few lines that feel slightly forced. I tried to count syllables to see if I could see why the rhythm felt forced on those lines but that did not reveal any clear patterns I could base new ideas upon.

Some lines, such as the second of the second verse, break the syllable count but not the rhythm. In this case, the other three lines of the verse have 5 while the second has 6 syllables, however, when reading this aloud it doesn't jar.

In contrast, the first verse has no syllable pattern (11, 10, 5, 4, 10) but as pixi noted, the last line does jar a bit. I'm betting it's because of the nature of the words, or specifically the word 'beating'.

I've never been good at identifying how words are stressed, but I do believe beating is a natural trochee (DAdum, first stressed, then unstressed), making it an ideal closer. In the line though, it is followed by another word, which jars the expected rhythm.

A quick glance over the rest of the lines they all seem to end on trochees (again, I'm not too good at identifying these things) except the two lines that jar the rhythm, the last line of the first verse, and the last line of the last verse, both ending in 'beating heart'.

I disagree with pixi on the 'they slouched and shuffled' line, it doesn't jar my sense of rhythm at all, nor do I perceive them as being in the past since the action is continuing. might want to remove the comma there though.

The third line of the second verse seems odd to me, as if it is composed of the last bit of the previous line and the first bit of the next line. I'd write:
"They're coming for me
They're trying to get in
Through the green door
Where the night slips in"



Ehm..... I was being overly critical again, wasn't I? Just trying to give you proper constructive criticism, it's nothing personal.
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Re: lonely's end

Postby berry » Mon Oct 31, 2011 2:49 am

Thanks to both of you for the feedback, Nightlock I don't think you were being overly critical at all. i've never tried something like this before so I need all the help I can get.
I know there are parts I want to change but finding the right words to fit in with the rhythm is very difficult, I guess thats why rhyming dictionaries were invented, must get hold of one of those.
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
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Re: lonely's end

Postby nightlock » Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:49 am

You do have a hold of one of those, it is called the Internet. There's plenty of sites that offer rhyming suggestions just a single searchquery away.
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