Friendship (Warning: Emo)

[SirJill]

I have many groups of friends. I have the school friends, who fit into the 'geek' category, I have the theater friends, I have the church friends...and then I have the SUUSI friends.

SUUSI is a camp that I go to every summer, starting two years ago.

At SUUSI I realized that there is a deeper level of friendship that what I had with my school friends. I found out that there is a type of friendship so strong the label of love applies.

I can safely say that I feel nothing like that for my school friends. I mean, yes, there are some that I care about...but really...I feel isolated or unconnected from many of them. I feel different.

And apparently that's bad.

This evening I went to a party--we watched the latest Star Wars and I was accused of being a 'poser' because I liked things that no one else liked. Or rather, I think the implication was that I 'liked' things no one else liked so I can get attention.

I used to do that. I used to be really bad about needing attention. I thought I'd gotten better.

But I have to say that I felt horribly ignored when one girl and I both left the room while there was a break in the movie. The other girl was called back, but I wasn't. Apparently they couldn't start the movie without her. But they could miss me.

I'm debating even posting this. Every time I look at it, I see a plea for attention. But I think I need some feed back. Are these people really my friends? Do they really care about me?



I realize I haven't given anyone enough information to give any kind of reasonable advice. So my question is--how do you tell if people really care about you? How do you tell who your friends are?

And instead to talking to random people on the internet, who do you talk to?

[Lady Envy]

They don't sound like friends.You should be able to have a different opinion without being accused of attention seeking..surely not everyone liked or disliked the same parts of the film The way they ignored you wasn't nice at all,

I would speak to the ones I considered my real friends and try and cut loose from the bunch of losers who think everyone should think like them.

I have a small close circle of friends,we can discuss anything,we disagree on things but we are always there for each other.
There are others who I just consider acquaintances, yes we do things together but we don't share the same closeness as true friends

[FallenStars&Angels]

i agree, these people don't sound like the kind of friends anybody should have. lady envy pretty much said it, get rid of the ones you wouldn't consider close, and confront the ones you may want to keep being friends with...i hope it works out!

[FallenStars&Angels]

oh yeah and about the who do i talk to question...i moved away from all my friends in june so i actually do spend a lot of time talking to people on the internet lol...there are a couple friends here but none i could bear my soul and tell the most apalling secrets to...all those friends are far and away...

[who me]

"I have many groups of friends."

most people do.

"I used to do that. I used to be really bad about needing attention. I thought I'd gotten better. "

you know if you have gotten better or not. you are thinking about it.


I don't know how to tell if people care about you. there is no one way. but the people who care are the ones who tell you what you should hear not what you want to hear.

I look for honesty in my friends.

how do you tell who your friends are? you can't, not till you need them, and the ones who stick by you are your friends. I guess you just find out over time.

who do I talk to ? some of the people hear actually. I consider them real friends. they can not stop in for tea but we talk allot we know each other.

and inspired by one of those friends I would say go talk to them. tell them what you told us.

tell them that you felt horribly ignored.

a good book on friendship is by Cicero De Amicitia. we are reading that in school now. I will look for my notes on it and post a summery if you would like.

my final word of advice don't worry so much about what others think. the person who you have to look in the eye every morning is your self.

[LittleParadise]

Aww that's so sad. I was going through something like that with my friends earlier this year. I don't feel as clsoe to my popular-ish friends anymore because of that, but I still love them to death, even though I find myself hanging out with my "punk" friends more and more... They're just more accepting, whereas my semi-popular friends have proved themselves untrustworthy by talking about me behind my back. I still hang out with them, but it's just for fun, never for true-blue, pour-my-guts-out girl time.

I think you should find a group that really loves you and stick with them as your main group, but also stay in touch with your old friends. If they want to drift away from you, that's their problem.

And just in case, you can PM me whenever you feel like you need someone to talk to. ^_^

[aldan]

Hey, SJ. You want to know what I've found? High School is the place to learn how to get along with people. It sounds like not everyone in your circle there at school want to learn. That's not a good thing, IMO. In HS, I was very, very picky about the people I hung with. I'd been mistreated too many times before, so I really took much more care. One thing that I might suggest is that you get a note pad and write down on it everything about the people at that camp that you like. This might take a bit, but do it, because the next thing that you should do is write on a second paper what it is about each of your 'friends' at school that you like.

Then, surprise, surprise, you should COMPARE the notes. That will give you a much better idea about what it is that you look for in friends. One thing you'll find in life, I think, is that people tend to be different when they're in groups than when they're alone with you. Also, they seem to tend to be different when they're away from a place they're really familiar with. Therefore, people at school are in a place they know (once they get through a few months of Freshman year), but most of them, being around all the new people, 'clique' up with the people that they know/knew from before. The group slowly grows as the year goes on, normally, due to meeting new people that have really similar interests as you and that you may be sharing one or more classes with. That was the way it worked for me, anyway.

As for me? I have a friend from college that is still my friend. The rest have different lives now, different comfort areas, so they've gone their own ways into those new areas, while I went mine. I also have 'friends' from work. Nobody I hang with, but ones that I know would be there for me. How do I know? Because I was there for them when they needed it, and I saw how they reacted to it. I don't know if doing something like that would work for you (because of the naturally lower maturity level of 'people' in HS), but after HS, being nice worked for me that way. These 'work friends', as I said, aren't ones I hang with. The one college friend I do see and speak to sometimes on weekends, (maybe 2 days a month, plus chat online and speak on phone). It seems (mostly) enough for me right now. That will change, though, I'm sure, since we humans are all about change.

[SirJill]

First, I'd like to say thank you for the support. This is one of the most comforting things about SV. It's a safe, caring enviroment.

De Amicitia. On Friendship--I never thought about going to Cicero for answers, but I suppose it's not a bad place to look. Don't worry about the summary, or anything like that--I'm an upperlevel Latin student, I can find a copy of it.

One of the other things I've noticed is that I have started hanging out with my more bohemian friends; a comic artist, a passionate bassoonist, a political activist...they seem to get it, whatever 'it' is.

Aldan--I did something kind of like that once. I had a random picture of a tree I wasn't sure what to do with. On a whim, I began listing my close friends next to the trunk and under the leaves of the tree, and then moving outward in terms of who meant what to me. Many of my school friends were not all too close to the drunk. Most of them were church/SUUSI friends.


I've talked to a few of my good friends after I posted the first message...and that helped, seeing the responses has too. But I realized something; this is almost like deja vu for me. I had another friend who is a lot like the host of the party, and it started the same way. I'm certainly going to be doing a lot of observing and evaluating.

[Bmat]

I think a friend may be someone you feel comfortable enough around that you can just be yourself. You don't have to wonder if you should or shouldn't say something or anything. If you have to try to impress the person, she isn't your friend, not to say that she couldn't become your friend, but your relationship hasn't reached the friend stage yet.

Close friends are rare. These are the friends that seem more like a family member.

Friendship is variable, also. Friends may be close for a while and then drift apart. We all change all the time. The person we are today may be different from the person we are next week. Everything we experience changes us. Circumstances may draw people closer for a while, then new circumstances move them apart.

Advice: Be pleasant to your acquaintances. Think about them and try to focus less on how they are treating you. It is normal to feel hurt when someone we like doesn't seem to like us as much. Feel comfortable about yourself and don't make the way you feel about yourself be dependent on how you perceive others think of you.

These are all general thoughts I had about friendship and are not specifically answering your question, SirJill.

How can you tell if someone is really your friend? If they are interested in you and not just in themselves. If they treat you the same when you are around others as they do when you are in private. If they stick by you when you aren't fun to be around because you are sick or upset.

Whom do I talk to other than Internet friends? I talk to neighbors and to people who have similar interests.

A great way to make friends to do volunteer work or to join groups with similar interests.

[Qray]

SUUSI is a camp that I go to every summer, starting two years ago.

I've never had the opportunity to see the Appalachian Mountains, I here they're awe-inspiring in their beauty.

I can safely say that I feel nothing like that for my school friends. I mean, yes, there are some that I care about...but really...I feel isolated or unconnected from many of them. I feel different.

Your not alone in feeling that way, SirJill. That alone should speak volumes.

I'm debating even posting this. Every time I look at it, I see a plea for attention. But I think I need some feed back. Are these people really my friends? Do they really care about me?

They don't sound like they are, but having not been there, it's difficult to say with any type of certainty. Question, is it possible your reading more into the situation than is really there?

I realize I haven't given anyone enough information to give any kind of reasonable advice. So my question is--how do you tell if people really care about you? How do you tell who your friends are?

You yourself commented on the different levels of friendship in your post. From what you've said, it sounds like your in search of the type of friendship that embodies true fidelity. A true kinship. As you've discovered, these types of friends are the hardest to find.

Find someone that shares your interests and chances are you'll find a friend. Interested in the theater, join your school's theater and you'll find friends. Play the flute, join the band and find friends, but to find ones like the SUUSI friends you speak of...to find semper fidelous, a kindred spirit, someone you can put blind faith into...that's truly difficult.

Sorry, guess I'm not helping much. Other than to say that your not alone in your feelings of isolationism, in-connectivity or difference...which perhaps doesn't make you all that different after all.

(Q)

[who me]

yes ask pim a question and she runs to a library to consult some long dead guy. look for the leob classical library translation by WA Falconer it is in English and Latin ! very cool !

hope you feel better. watch Anne of green gables that always makes me feel better.

[Ariel]

A true friend is one who will share your ups and downs and catch you when you fall.