Imprisoned

[aldan]

As I think of what to do

For time today and gone

And pacing out my future steps

Discerning right from wrong



The path it weaves through hidden rocks

And roots that trip and snare

Causing me to look at feet

Not watch the place toward where



I hope to make my journey end

To rest because today

I cannot stop to catch my breath

Or admire along the way.



The steep'ning path, the rocks and roots

The rain and snow and hail

They all combine to wear at me

Trying to make me fail



But I gasp out, "I will succeed!

You cannot stop my steps!"

And struggle on though weakness still

Contrives to steal my breath



But still I slow while struggling on

Alone upon my path

I know not when I will get there

Or at whom to cast my wrath



For snow and rain and mud and rock

Are a part of life for me

No sunlight, nor a cooling breeze

Will let my joys run free.


*I came up with a title out of nowhere. Please let me know how you think it works!*

[Talon Sinnah]

Loved the poem Aldan. i will try and PM you with a possible title.

[Ariel]

I can feel the sense of hope through the despair in this poem. It will be interesting to see what people suggest for a title. Good job aldan!

[Neurolanis]

Nice poem, Aldan. Not sure what to suggest in regards to rewriting it, however. It seems to work OK for what it is.

[Believer]

Very good poem Aldan

[aldan]

I have now labelled the poem. Please let me know what you think of the choice (it was a spur of the moment idea).

[Ariel]

Exellent!

[Talon Sinnah]

Sorry but I disagree. To me if it is going to be named Inprisoned in needs to have something to do with a cell. Weathered might work but it does not hold the intensity needed for the poem. Against the Odds, maybe, or even Storm Hardened Soul. I just don't think that Imprisoned would do it justice mainly because it is a nature theme.

[aldan]

If any of you who read it wonder why I chose that name, ask yourself that question and think about why you think I'd do that. What would I mean by it? I tend to not want to label my poem in a way that is simple to figure out the meaning of the poem and what the poem is talking about simply by reading the title I've chosen. If you still simply can't deduce it, PM me, and I'll let you know (and I'll put you on my list...).

[aldan]

*sighs*

Okay... I guess I'll go ahead and give away the reason....

First, with the poem, the hiker is trying to keep focused on the end of the trail, the place where he may let his guard down and relax. How does that relate? When imprisoned, if you don't keep your focus on getting out and beginning your life again, you will probably lose hope.

Second, the focus keeps being lost because of the stones, roots, mud, snow, etc. that get in the way. This is representative of the day-to-day struggles that we encounter that we must struggle to overcome. If we keep our focus on the struggles, though, it can become very disheartening, due to the fact that we can only see the difficulties of life and are missing the hope that we so desperately need. The bars and walls of a jail cell, along with Bubba and the other, uh, inmates, are examples from that life of potential difficulties.

Third, when a person is first placed in jail/prison, the sentence (AKA the time to be spent imprisoned) appears to be very long, and that ties in with the perspective from the base of the mountain (the start of the climb). Then, as the time in jail progresses, it seems to be going quite slowly and hardly any time seems to have passed if all you concentrate on is the sentence, but if you keep some concentration on your goal of what you will do once you're out, it will often help the time seem to move more rapidly, just like with a climb... if you just focus on your steps and pay attention ONLY to the immediate trail, it seems the hike is taking forever, but when you stop occasionally to look away from your immediate vicinity, to look up at the goal, down towards the base, or out toward the horizon, you will be able to see how things have changed, and that will help you to realize how much progress you've made.

When the climber is approaching the top of the mountain, or the prisoner the end of the sentence, things seem to change somewhat. For the climber, the body is quite exhausted, since higher elevations mean lower oxygen content in the air, plus the fact that the person's been climbing and hiking for many, many miles (or thousands of feet in elevation), has been living off of food that, while nourishing, isn't as good for the body as something that is not as easy to carry in a pack, and has been straining the muscles for days on end (and the body's rebelling). Therefore, the climber, while he has a shorter distance to go, must really struggle to finish, even though the pack he carries is lighter and the distance to the goal is shorter. With prisoners, the strain of the later part of the sentence is telling, because they are now facing the fact that things have changed in the outside world, and they are not as familiar with what is happening now as when they were first jailed. They don't have a job, may not have significant other to go back to any more, may have lost track of friends, and will likely have some relatives be rather cool to them due to the stigma of the time in prison, so the prisoner is both looking forward to and dreading the last day in jail, since, like when one moves to a new state, province or country, he has to start anew, which can be dreadfully stressful.

Now, I think those should have gotten my point across, but there are others to reach in and grab as well (but I haven't the time to spend putting them down on e-paper).

[Bmat]

I can understand about the title. I just read the poem for the first time. The speaker is imprisoned in his struggle. It is a good poem, Aldan.

[Grand Evander]

I really like the poem though felt some of the rhyming seemed forced and interrupted the flow at times. Sometimes it felt like the final lines of certain stanzas were built too much around the rhyming word rather than emerging from the rest of the stanza.

As always, I really enjoy your work.