The Walk

A memorial tribute to the poetry of Aldan.

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aldan
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The Walk

Post by aldan »

Head down, eyes tight

Open, but shut out the bright


Hazy sunshine through the smog

Seeming to just be a fog


But I see not, just look at cans

And straggly strays dodging hands


And kicking feet, though not my own

For young cats die before they’re grown


As probably I will as well

And chances are I’ll go to hell


Or worse, to nothingness, alone

Worse than what it’s like at home


The smell of urine wafts from in

An alleyway by a trash bin


A passed out drunk that lays in muck

Of trash and piss and crap and yuck

-----------------------------

This is one that still may be a work-in-progress, because I am not quite sure I've gotten where I wish to go with it.
Last edited by aldan on Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain

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Bmat
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Post by Bmat »

I know from reading your comments on another poem that you like to use minimum or no punctuation at the end of the lines. But I wonder if periods at the end of the sentences would make the reading more comfortable.

I'm not sure about the word "Pro'ly". If it is to indicate youth, then perhaps it should not be the only word to do so. I am thinking that the speaker is a young person, maybe a young teenager.

I wonder if the child's kitten has died, maybe to the cruelty mentioned during the poem.

The child is sad, bitterly sad, hopeless. At home, in his world. This is the painting that I see. This is well done, Aldan.

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Ariel
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Post by Ariel »

Well done indeed!!!!!! Intense imagery and emotion!

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aldan
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Post by aldan »

Style-wise, this poem is indeed written to give the impression of a child, a fairly young one, who has gone out into the streets looking for what he is missing at home, but of course doesn't find it.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain

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Believer
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Post by Believer »

Nicely done my friend, as always :D
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Bread Butterbeard
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Post by Bread Butterbeard »

And once again you prove your talent and skill in the art of poetry, well done indeed aldan!
"The world you know is over Grandmaster Shard, will you stand and fight for your people, or let them slip into darkness?" Tartikoff Greenwood to Brayan James Shard

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Post by clknaps »

aldan wrote:Style-wise, this poem is indeed written to give the impression of a child, a fairly young one, who has gone out into the streets looking for what he is missing at home, but of course doesn't find it.


Just a question, would a child so young wonder if he is going to hell?

This is one that still may be a work-in-progress, because I am not quite sure I've gotten where I wish to go with it.

Isn't everything a writer does a work in progress? :)


Head down, eyes tight
Open, but shut out the bright


Suggestion, if it were me I think I would change the word bright to "light."
I know bright ties into the next line, bright hazy sunshine..." but I think light would work just as well, and since the child is describing and seeing only the evil in the world (evil and good are often contrasted as dark and light, respectively). I think it would make a nice allude to the rest of the poem, and it still fits when you read as one sentence:
Head down, eyes tight open, but shut out the light hazy sunshine through the smog seeming to just be a fog, But I see not, just....

Overall, very well done, thank you for sharing it with us, CLK
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aldan
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Post by aldan »

Well, my first version had the word 'light', but I wanted to use something with a more negative feel to it, to 'color' the poem with a 'darker' paint. Light is usually considered to be 'good', but 'bright' is glaring, more intense and painful to the eyes. That was the reason I used 'bright' on that line, clknaps.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
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aldan
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Post by aldan »

As for the age of the child, I'm simply going off of the way that I thought at that age... I wonder why that is....
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain

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