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Dark

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Dark

Postby aldan » Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:24 am

Walk slowly
Pack in hand
Stepping down
Through the door
In the dark
Bike unlocking
Brain protector
Put it on
Pedal slowly
Muscles tense
Passing cars
Jar the riding
Finally
Leave the highway
Surface streets
Asphalt black
Matches darkness
I ride through
Circling downward...

*This is a rough one that I threw together just recently. I don't really know if I have the urge to title it, in truth, but I called it 'Dark' on the subject line.*
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than
to open it and remove all doubt."
---Mark Twain
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Postby RHFay » Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:58 pm

Hi aldan!

I'm back...(I know, you're probably saying "Oh no! Not him!") :D

It seems like a rough draft. I don't quite know why you named it "Dark", but if it's only a working title, then that's okay. Working titles can change. I think that you could probably come up with a more meaningful title. There darkness in the poem, but I don't know if "Dark" is quite right. Maybe "Dark Ride", or something like that.

I would like to see you work on this one, smooth its rough edges, and polish it up a bit. I used to ride my bicycle everywhere, in my younger days, so I think the references to that are kind of neat.

Cheers!
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Postby aldan » Tue Jul 17, 2007 9:04 am

*aldan thinks, "Oh, no! Not him?"*

:roll:

Nope, you struck out on that guess. As I said in my poem's postscript, that 'title' was simply something I put down in the Subject line, because I had to have something there. This poem, as you thought, is a WiP. It's one that I wrote when at my new job and struggling with something there. Riding home (and yes, I do ride a bicycle home at 11pm) in such a mood made the poem an easy vent. I also wanted to work to get back to some of my non-rhyming poetry, to work on that again. It's not my best, definitely, but it was a help to me, and it's one I'm pretty sure I'll continue to work on.
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to open it and remove all doubt."
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Postby RHFay » Tue Jul 17, 2007 10:23 am

aldan wrote:*aldan thinks, "Oh, no! Not him?"*

:roll:

Nope, you struck out on that guess.

Just kidding, aldan.

As I said in my poem's postscript, that 'title' was simply something I put down in the Subject line, because I had to have something there. This poem, as you thought, is a WiP. It's one that I wrote when at my new job and struggling with something there. Riding home (and yes, I do ride a bicycle home at 11pm) in such a mood made the poem an easy vent.


Believe or not, I've been there, too. That's probably why I see the potential in this piece.

My only form of transport to and from my various jobs was either public transport, when it was available, or riding my bicycle. I've had the experience of riding home in pitch darkness after a hard day dealing with obnoxious customers. I didn't even have a light on my bike! (I know, it was stupid, but I was young and broke at the time.)

A situation like that does make one look inside, and can bring out some darker thoughts. Like "what am I doing this for? Is it really worth it? How did I get into this situation in the first place? Where did the road go? I hope that car sees me before it's too late!"

I also wanted to work to get back to some of my non-rhyming poetry, to work on that again. It's not my best, definitely, but it was a help to me, and it's one I'm pretty sure I'll continue to work on.


Personal poetry, as opposed to poetry for the masses, can be as polished or as rough as you like it to be. If it helps you deal with your thoughts and feelings, then it served its primary purpose.

Definitely work on this one, and see what you can make of it. You may want to actually work on the darkness aspect some more, make it more clearly dark, as it were.

Cheers!
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Postby clknaps » Sat Jul 28, 2007 5:52 am

I get the strong impression reading this that the narrator is seriously disgruntled with his job and feels he's just going through a series of repetitive motions that have no real meaning.

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